the jacques do DC - part two

continued.

i told myself i would wrap up all my lose ends on the blog before 2014. so here goes...

waking up the morning knowing you're about to step foot into the nation's capitol and ask them to support you...just a little ol' me from the midwest is almost the most intimating thing i've done. but through out the whole process, i try to put things in some sort of perspective that makes some sort of sense. just something.

that morning, while we got dressed and ready to go, i could definitely feel my heart beat a little fast than normal and little butterflies surrounded my insides while crazy thoughts ran through my head. 

i remember just telling myself to be honest, sincere, and just share our story. for those that know me, know that is often times hard for to speak about things especially when I'm not 100% positive that i actually know that I'm saying. so this was tough. what we would be talking about would be personal and important and directly effect my parents and i. 

we met the rest of the members who would be lobbying on the lobby of our hotel room. we immediately ran into a mother and friend who we had met in june at the neda kc walk. always nice to see familiar faces in such an unfamiliar place. 

i laugh now because as we stood in the lobby of our hotel, we watched outside as it poured. hard. our first appointment was at 11:30 and we'd have enough time to catch a bus. of course it would be raining.

we caught a bus alright. and they dropped us off at the wrong building which meant in order for my parents and i to make our 11:30...we had to walk. in the pouring rain. without umbrellas. or coats. 

.and we did. we persevered. for brandon. 

as we walked a good half mile, i remember looking over at my dad walking besides and he was soaking wet..so wet in fact there were rain drops dripping off the end of his nose. i like to imagine brandon sitting in heaven watching us three gallivanting around an unknown city to lobby for HIM while he watches it rain and pour on his. i'm sure he had a nice laugh.

we finally made it to our first appointment 30 minutes late and of course, their office happened to be participating in the government shutdown occurring at the same time so no one was in their office anyways. typical. 

we met with our other two appointments and i couldnt have been more excited about how they turned out. we got two agreements for our support on the caucus and bill coming and they were so sincere and friendly. 

in one of our meetings, my dad just started talking and everyone just looked. at that moment, i was so proud of us three and the work we were doing. 

it was that moment i realized my parents & i have two choices to continue living in our lives. we can sit, sulk and pity ourselves for the tremendous loss we have endured OR we can choose to change it, leave brandon's name as a legacy and help others. 

while changing it hasn't been the easiest road, it certainly is the most rewarding. 

thursday evening, we had a reception with other families and friends affected by eating disorders. it was a wonderful experience to be with others who had lived the same or close experience we had. 

on friday, we spent the day in seminars and learning more than i could have ever imagined about eating disorders. 

i feel so blessed that we had the opportunity to be apart of the conference and will hold on to the experience for years to come. i am curious to learn more and network with others....i think my career path may somewhere along the road..lead me back. 

for now, we embrace what we have learned, fill our hearts with the change for others, and walk each step of the journey for brandon. always. 

{i encourage you to be passionate. about anything. and pursue it.}

you have the power to change. 

the jacques' do DC - part one

details.

you know that saying...you never notice things until they're not there? that is so true. 

you know how i know?

i can count on one hand how many times my family has gone out to eat and when asked how many...we say 3. 

i can't tell you how many times we've actually eaten at the kitchen table in the last 2.5 years because no one wants to see the empty chair. 

i can't explain the pain it felt to get a new phone and be missing brother from my favorites. 

the list goes on, christmas, birthdays, riding in a car....four is just a much better number. 

i knew all these things were going on...until our trip to washington, dc. you see...i have been fortunate enough to have ryan in life before losing my brother and since losing my brother, my ryan has coincidently filled that very important fourth spot: dinner table, restaurants, back seat of the car. 

until washington, dc. no ryan wasn't going. just me. my mom. my dad. 

for weeks until the trip, i was fine...it was until the very day we were leaving and my parents were picking me up from work, that i had a lump in my heart and heaviness in my heart. this was just one more DETAIL & REMINDER of why were leaving on "vacation". 

sitting in the back of my dad's truck on the way to airport is when reality hit. 

heather- this isn't vacation. you are going to washington, dc because you've been raising money for the eating disorder association so no one has to suffer your pain or your brandon's pain when dealing with a life threatening illness. 

reality can be a real B. 

with that said, i was excited to spend this quality time with my parents for this purpose. it had been a while since the three of us had spent time together just being us. life gets busy and i am thankful we were granted this opportunity on so many levels; making a change...amazing; sharing the experience with my parents...even better! :)

 it was really late when we arrived in washington. our first adventure started with a taxi ride to our first hotel. it was crazy, weaving in and out of traffic with us three in the back seat...kind of like when you're a kid and you purposely let the curves through you around the back seat to smash the other person....yep..that happened...

we arrive at our first hotel (i won't mention names...read on)....it was beautiful..right down the street with an amazing view of our nation's capitol...we arrive to our room. and my dad quote "this place is made for midgets" between that and our slap-happiness from being awake for.  ev.   er. we laughed until our stomachs hurt...

before we knew it we were outside, walking the streets of washington, dc. with our luggage (thank GOD for luggage that rolls nicely) on to our next stop..

finally, a warm bed & a goodnight's rest...

after all, no pressure...tomorrow we would be at the capitol meeting with senators and representatives...try to sleep with THAT running through your head.

goodnight. 

heather

keep peddling...

always try again.

do you remember when you were a kid and your parents were teaching you to ride a bike? You'd take off with their hand on the back of seat, guiding you along, until you got the groove, you'd be so thrilled that you're actually going and then...they'd let go and for the first couple times...you'd eventually slow down and the tip over. parents are there when you tip, telling you to get back on the bike, and try again. it wasn't always easy, because you know there could be a chance you might fall again and so many thoughts run through your mind..

will it hurt?

could it be worse?

what if they're not there to catch me?

will i ever be good at this?

as odd as it sounds, i compare myself to the same nervous, scared child with this blog. 

my last post was introducing my readers  okay just like 4 people, about our invitation to washington, dc. for the national conference for NEDA. in my heart, i know this next post needs to be about the trip...and...

as i type, my heart is pounding and my hands are shaking..... and it took my mom texting me asking me if she's missed my latest blog update that i realized...i have to get back in the bike...

guys, i am nervous. i am that child getting back on that bike. 

will this update hurt? yes it will...but i have to remember I'm doing this for my brother. 

could it be worse? there are things in life that can always be worse. i choose to be thankful for this rocky, not so glamours beautiful life He has given me. 

what if they're not there to catch me? i have amazing parents and there are always there, but importantly i have a wonderful God who catches me when i fall emotionally and spiritually. 

will i ever be good at this? ha. I'm not sure but i know that something always brings me back to this. 

for now, that's all i have....just an introduction to how i'm feeling for the upcoming post. 

i'll get back up and try again, i promise...right now...it's too hard. 

love,

heather

*shimmer of light & hope*

HIS plan.

last spring after attending a bible study with my mom and her friends, i started reading not a fan. by kyle idleman. when talking to friends; i like to describe this book as "getting down to the nitty-gritty" theres not maybes or what ifs...he spells it out for you. "Do you follow Jesus or are you just a fan of him?" some of it is tough to digest, but an amazing read and definitely one to keep close by. 

my favorite phrase from the book says this "....followers of Jesus understand that it's a journey they were never to make alone. Instead we keep in step with the Spirit and he supernaturally gives us the strength and the power we need."

it was the day i read that, that i finally truly admitted to myself i needed to be a follower, and not a fan. i was exhausted of doing things on my own. after losing my brother, and reading through his bible, i knew that he had made a wonderful relationship with Jesus...it was comforting to read through the highlighted versus and it was almost like brandon was telling us to not be scared or afraid; he was in a much better place. he was telling me all about his relationship with Jesus through pink & yellow highlighted marks. 

while, i can find comfort in that, there are moments {more than id like to admit} that while he is a place we dream of going, there are many many selfish moments where i wish he were here. however, with that quote in my head; i knew we are not in this alone. no matter how sad. depressed. anxious. happy. we. are. not. alone. God has HIS plan...for all of us. while, we sometimes we choose to be mad for a little bit....

i promise; a day will come when he will shed light & hope. just hang there. 

you're probably wondering where this is going....

fast forward to July 26th - i was at the lake on our annual girls weekend trip. one would think that while it was a "girls weekend", why would i miss brandon this weekend more than any other weekend? 

its because sitting around with these girls who have been my world for years - close family and friends. we share stories of family and things we've done the past year - catching up. while, i love hearing those stories...we don't have those recent stories. there is always a hole in our stories...something missing. sometimes i still can't fathom that he is gone. there are moments when it's like i have forgotten and it suddenly strikes my heart like a flash of lightening. so intense that sometimes; i literally lose my breath. 

i think know God was watching my especially close during these moments of sadness behind smiles while enjoying others stories...

you know how i know? i received a phone call from a New York number. thought nothing of it but they had left a message. long story short, no service  = not checking my voicemail until i arrived back in kansas city. 

"hi, this is for heather, my name is terry and i am chief executive officer at the national eating disorder association. the donation came in from the brandon m jacques foundation and i wanted to reach out to you and have a conversation with you on a number of different levels........"

while this doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of people, it was to me. however, i was sure she was calling to say thank you and chat a few minutes....

i took the opportunity to call because while i knew it was just a short thank you..it was a moment i could talk about brandon and share what a wonderful man he had become with a perfect stranger. id take that moment any day. after all, he deserves such a legacy. 

i was right, that phone call returned to terry was a thank you....but so much more than i could have imagined. 

she wanted to personally call me and extend an invitation to the NEDA Conference Weekend in Washington, DC October 10-12; with an invite to the Federal Lobby Day. paid. covered. 

what? while, it doesn't seem exciting to most; i was beyond thrilled. i get to lobby. stand up for what i believe in. share my brother's story. learn & become educated on eating disorders. at our nation's capital.

i couldn't dream of a better legacy. 

so, with that, my parents & i will be headed to Washington, DC to lobby and take on our adventure. i am excited. nervous. anxious. and all with a heavy heart....

but here's what i am saying...while, we can take what happens in our life and be miserable because we don't like the outcome...we can also just know this is a journey we were never meant to make alone...and just hang on.

i believe this is my shimmer of light & hope in God's master plan for me. there's a reason this is happening. at this time. for this cause. 

i choose to keep walking step in step to find the rest of the light in my journey called life. i am not in control. i must just be a follower down the road. and i am totally okay with that role. 

i promise to update the blog after our trip. 

wish us luck. 

love,

heather

summer faves.

share time.

with the end of summer quickly approaching...waaa! i found it most appropriate to share some of my favorite things this summer. i love all of these items, so they are listed in no particular order.

1. Advocare Products

I started using Advocare products on a daily basis and have loved all that I have tried. I won't ever give up coffee 100% but i have surely cut down my intake by leaps and bounds. The spark is a great product for energy without the jitter or crashing effect. I started using Catalyst which helps maintain muscle during exercise and weight loss. It goes great with the Spark. I love spark in the Watermelon, Citrus, and Mandarin Orange flavors. Yummmmmyyy and healthy! If you're interested in trying some too, visit my site. https://www.advocare.com/130723839/default.aspx

2. Ulta Bronze Tinted Self Tanning Suncreeen SPF 15

This product has been amazing. It has an SPF 15 and a tint so it can be applied daily or when you're ready for fun in the sun. It is reasonably priced and right now they are running a special BOGO 50% off. I highly recommend this product. However, if you're using it just for the tint...you could be disappointed. It didnt tint as well as I had thought. But I loved the sunscreen part and the fresh fragrance of this product.

3. ESSIE White Bright Pen

Using this pen on dry and clean nails, it brightens up your natural nail look. In just seconds, my nails had immediate shine and brightness to them for the summer natural look. I got mine at Beauty Brands on clearance for $4.50. Quick and Easy must have for a natural manicured look. 

4. Altar'd State at Zona Rosa

This store is amazing. It is what I would call a Christian Boutique filled with almost anything you could think of. Candles, Signs, Jewelry , Clothing, TOMS, absolutely anything. Their prices are very reasonable and their products are amazing. It is a perfect store to find the perfect gift for ANYONE. 

5. Loafers

I can't wait to wear my new loafers this fall. I found mine at Nordstrom Rack for an amazing price and they are definitely something that will stand out amongst the rest. I have my eye on a few other cute pairs from Target & Dillards as well. Best of all, they are so comfortable and sophisticated.

6. Mayeblline Baby Lips

This is the softest product I have found. It is light and shiny! It comes in many different colors and they are all fabulous. 

I know this isn't the most exciting post, but I love sharing great product for great deals. What are some of your favorite things this summer?

never.say.never.

[new adventure.]

i have never been the healthiest person. i won't deny that i don't love hot wings, french fries, and chips and salsa...but it was a day at the end of 2012 where i was exhausted, unmotivated, and just tired all the time. 

yes, diet is important. but i am 27 wishing i was still 24 and shouldn't be drained all the time...shoot, i don't even have kids yet!

i remember a good friend and coworker a couple years ago suggesting i try a product by Advocare called Spark. she said she was able to replace Spark for her daily sodas and it was just what she needed to get through the long days of teaching and also provides healthy vitamins and minerals. 

i never tried it. the sample sat around. 

fast forward to Jan 2013...i had committed myself to a healthier lifestyle. i don't want need to be skinny. i want to be healthy and thats all that mattered. 

i committed myself to hitting the gym 3-4 times a week and watching what i was putting in my body. this included sodas and coffee. in march, i decided i would drop it cold turkey. 

my body his a stage of detox with terrible headaches and it was then, that i realize just what all this fake caffeine was doing to my body.

i called my good friend and ordered a canister of Spark. Spark has replaced my daily sodas and though, i will never give up coffee for good...i can say that i don't drink it everyday...it is more of a treat and i drink smaller portions when i do. 

i have seen a change in my energy and focus levels. i am not drowsy or exhausted. i have the energy i craved to enjoy this beautiful life i've been given.

..which leads me to my next part...after much thought, i decided i wanted to share my love for these Advocare products with others...

last wednesday, we started a new journey. we have officially become Advocare distributors; in hopes, that we can share these wonderful products with others. 

{cheers to new, healthy, and energetic journeys!}

join us!

check out the products and stories here.

https://www.advocare.com/130723839

email me, call, or Facebook if you'd like to try samples of the Spark {in delicious Mango Strawberry} or SLAM. 

{no more m.i.a}

updates...

the thing i absolutely love most about summer  July is that i get to spend everyday the way that i want. no worries about whether today is sunday or thursday or if i need to work the next day. i simply go with the flow and take full advantage of each day ive been given. its crazy but you dont realize how much time is spent planning, doing, going, and being so busy during the school year that you forget to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. 

so my simple pleasure today...updating my blog. 

because, i dont care there is laundry piled in our closet or there's no groceries...because i have all the time in the world {for july} and i can get to whenever i please. aaahhhh....

its relaxing and comfortable. 

{may}

may was a great month. i finished up wrapping up my 4th year of teaching. one of my friend's introduced their sweet baby boy beckham into the world  on may 23rd and summer was just around the corner. 

{june}

june was crazy busy and i loved every moment of it. 

i started teaching 1st grade summer school. {praise you teachers of the true elementary age. you are truly saints. i was lucky to make it a mere 20 days and i don't know how you do it, but god bless you.}

much of early june was planning final touches for our 2nd annual golf tournament. 

june 12, my dear friend jeni and her husband brandon, welcomed a sweet baby girl named Zoey into this world. 

june 15 in general was a busy day. 

NEDA just so happened to be sponsoring a walk in here KC, and it being my brother's birthday...we truly felt like it was meant to be. it was an amazing and humbling experience being out there with our family and so many other people that have had their lives affected by eating disorders. there were so many emotions that day. excitement, sadness, motivation, worry, fear...it was just a really neat day. 

on brandon's 21st birthday {june 15, 2011} just a few months after he went to be with Jesus, my family and i started the tradition of releasing 4 balloons on his birthday. 3 white and 1 blue. there is something calming and heart wrenching about this tradition, but i love it and will never stop doing it. this year, we released our balloons at the walk site instead at my parent's house. 

after the NEDA walk, ryan and i made the trip to the lake for his family reunion. it was wonderful to get away just for a day. 

june 20 - my teammate of 4 years and close friend caitlin and her husband joe welcomed a handsome baby boy into their world. Calvin is already a ladies man. 

june 22 was our 2nd annual Brandon Jacques Classic. we had a new venue this year and everything turned out fabulous. we had 135 golfers and were surrounded by family and friends who not only love us, but love Brandon too. we are so grateful for each of those people. we look forward to another great event next year. 

{the tournament deserves a post of it's own with pictures..coming soon}

it's not much and it's not exciting to everyone, but thats what i've been doing the last month or so...now that i have a little bit of down time...im hoping to stay caught up a little more. 

what is your favorite thing about summer time?

love,

h

closing of another chapter...

for a teacher that is.

those of you not familiar with the life of a teacher, you might be thinking...

you only have 7 days left of school, then summer. life for a teacher is so easy. you work for 9 months, get the summer off. you get all the holidays and breaks.

riddle me this...

Do you others out there after nine months of working 8 hours in the same room with someone just have to shut the door and move on? Do you take pride of other peoples success so much that sometimes your heart literally hurts? Do you hurt when YOUR coworkers hurt? Do you cry when YOUR coworkers cry?

For teachers...our coworkers..are our students my children. We spend 9 months, 8 hours a day, in one room within inches of each other. We spend more time together than we do our own families...

Now, do not get me wrong...I am not down playing any profession out there. I am simply saying that as teachers we make room in our hearts for 20 something little souls that we nourish with knowledge and work hard everyday to inspire, motivate, and educate. I dont know about you, but thats a lot of pressure...

Here's what I do know...

this is my favorite time of the year. I have these little minds that have done SO much and never cease to amaze day in and day out. I see so much maturity and learning in them and it gives me so much joy to know that I had a part in that. Bad days? Yes, everyone has them. But the good days...they always outweigh the bad.

I have to share this story with you...

Last week, my class and I were talking about poetry. We had been using the Close Reading steps to analyze the poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. While opening our room to another school and teachers observing, I was simply having a conversation with a young boy about his thinking. His thinking was so incredibly deep and elaborate...that right there...sitting on the floor..with other adults watching in...i cried. i literally sat there on the floor and cried in front of him... for that was the BEST thinking he had ever shared. he did it. he got it and made my heart so happy i couldnt contain the tears.

that is was teaching is all about.

so here you have it. 7 6.5 days left and i am going to use them to the fullest potential. i am going to hug on everyone of my kids. share secrets with them. laugh with them. let them work with others. and spend as much time as i can with them. For they are my fourth class that I have raised and I will send them on to fifth grade knowing I did everything in my power to make them great. and then...I will cry. The last day of school will come, I will walk them to their busses and I will cry as they wave goodbye.

I am blessed that I have been able to build incredible relationships with my students in all my years teaching and I love and will miss each and everyone of them in their own little ways.

so here's to making the most of these last few days...it's not over yet.

Make the most of everything you've got...

fair vs just

life's lessons.

it is truly amazing that on the shady side of my 20s; i continue to learn a life lesson each day. some, much bigger than others.

lately, i have feeling {blah}. the weather here has been ridiculous, spring has still not arrived, so many changes are happening around me, and well if i want to be real with myself...since 2011 this time of year just seems harder than others.

i think back to May 1st of 2011...and i was feeling so much numbness. i was getting ready to embark on the one month date of losing my brother. honestly, i wish i could go back to that. i was still so naive is the grieving point, that it seemed much easier. i spend so much time of each day just thinking about my brother and all the things we did. some days, yes better than others. and other days are just plain crappy.

tonight, i went to my parents for our first golf meeting for our upcoming tournament. it was truly amazing the joy that planning this tournament brings to me. it is me...talking about doing things in my brothers name..perfect and honorably. i feel so proud. to think of it, i think its my way of continuing my role of that older, protective, stubborn sister.

but it seems like on that crappy days, i think that sometimes life isnt fair. i think we can all agree that at some point or another we have all thought "my life just isn't fair"

....and you know what? it's not. and God isn't fair either.

driving home tonight, i heard the best explanation of fairness.

"life just isn't fair..."

Fair means accordance with rules or standards. Would you really want God to treat you according to your sins? He is a JUST God. A God who will reward us based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair...He will not treat us towards our sins because He is just. Not fair, but just. If He sees we are trying to fight it, He will plan accordingly. If we so happen to fall and get tangled into it, we must remember to repent. God is just.  

So, in fact God is Just which is more than fair. His grace is far beyond anything we could deserve. God is generous, full of grade, full of mercy, loving us even though we don't deserve it. 

this gave me a great reminder that although sometimes i can feel like life is not fair...i must remember that God is JUST and although fair sounds great...
             i'd take JUST over fair any day.

happy wednesday.

brother.

always my baby broth. 

i can remember the day my parents told me i was going to be a big sister so vividly. we were in our kitchen at our old house. fabric chairs on wheels, yes it was 1989. it was a sunday morning and my parents were at the kitchen table. with the sunlight shining through our pink/mauve blinds i remember my mom looking at me and telling me those sweet words "you're going to be a big sister". i remember looking at my moms stomach in her white and green diamond pajama shirt and wondering "theres no baby" while saying words of pure UN.excitement.


what do you mean? im going to have to share my two favorite people in the world with someone else? absolutely not. no way. they were clearly out of their mind.

little did i know that several months down the road i would have a complete change of heart. after all, i was meant to be a big sister. from the moment he was born, i was in love. there was nothing that would ever separate the two of us. no one was going to hurt him. i felt like i was his protector. i mean, before my brother was born i was sleeping night after night with my parents. when Brandon came home, i moved my sleeping arrangements to my own bedroom upstairs, next to his. just in case he would need me.

now, i wont play fake and tell you that we never fought, argued, or tried to get one another in trouble. because yes, that did happen. but with us it was different, our fights were over in a matter of minutes and we'd be back to doing what we were doing. Brandon was the first person in my life to push me. To challenge me. To argue with me. i honestly credit some of my confidence to my baby broth.

i could write for days on our relationship growing up. i could tell you story after story. everything from getting in trouble at school to a first kiss. i could tell you that he had a heart of gold with an armor exterior. i could tell you that he loved his family and friends more than life itself. i could also tell you that he called me sister. not just as relation, but as we got older my name went out the window and sister was just who i was to him.

here's a look on my favorite relationship with the most perfect baby broth anyone could have asked for.

love at first site. June 15, 1990

 

Broth,
   As tomorrow approaches I can't help but remember when I found out what had happened. I was in shock and my hurt was full of pain. I won't forget that day. I also won't forget all the memories we had shared in your 20 beautiful years of life. I am so thankful that you let me always be your big sister. I am thankful that you never pushed me away or were too cool. I wish we could spend more time together and we will, someday. But for now, I think about you always, miss you like crazy, and want to leave your legacy. You are the best brother anyone could have asked for and as tears are running down my face, my heart literally aches and I would do anything just to see you one more time. I love you more than you'll ever know. See you later,

                                                                                 Love, Sister