{fix my eyes.}

what is seen is temporary. 

driving this morning i heard one of my favorite christian songs that i've probably 100 times but this morning it felt different, and i turned it up and listened even more closely than normal. 

it's called fix my eyes by king & country. 

you can listen here...fix my eyes by king & country

"Fix My Eyes"

Hit rewind, click delete

Stand face to face with the younger me

All of the mistakes

All of the heartbreak

Here's what I'd do differently, I'd

Love like I'm not scared

Give when it's not fair

Live life for another

Take time for a brother

Fight for the weak ones

Speak out for freedom

Find faith in the battle

Stand tall but above it all

Fix my eyes on You

On You

I learned the lines and talked the talk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows it)

But the road less traveled is hard to walk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows)

It takes a soldier

Who knows his orders

To walk the walk I'm supposed to walk, and

The things of earth are dimming

In the light of Your glory and grace

I'll set my sights upon Heaven

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes

-------------------------------------------------------------------

here's what hit home:

we get one chance here on earth to follow in those footsteps, to fix our eyes on him & do good for others.

i found myself reflecting and questioning that a lot. 

life is fast. it is not promised for tomorrow. 

do we get caught up in what seems like the "BIG" stuff? i know i can sometimes...

--OR--

do we sit, see whats in front of ourselves and have no regrets?

the lyrics say it all "but the road less traveled is hard to walk"  - Yes, yes it is. 

but here's the good thing, it's not too late. we have been granted another precious day to do with it what we feel led to do. 

how can you change the world? or maybe just one little moment in the world around you? 

one line touched my heart specifically "live life for another...fight for the weak ones" 

reflecting on personal things happening, this just touched me. 

just another reassurance that while we are continually living in darkness and still trying to figure out our family's normal - we MUST live for another (my brother) who didn't get the opportunity and FIGHT for the weak ones and continue to make good change along the way. 

isn't it just crazy how one song you've heard a million times can take on a whole different meaning on a random, gloomy, cold sunday? 

this morning completely changed my mood:: no matter how easy it would be to give up...

--I WILL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING FOR THE WEAK ONES--

 

we have one beautiful life to live on this earth, what will you choose to do with your days? 

CHANGING > COMPLAINING

thanks for letting me ramble.

happy glorious sunday y'all. 

now crank up that song & change the world!

unknown.

welcome back.

i'm not sure how many of you that know me would believe me if i told you i've taken time from blogging because i just haven't had the words to write anything. my last post was april 2014. almost a year ago. however, i haven't written BUT a lot of things have happened since then. 

may 2014

• finished my 5th year of teaching 
• decided to follow my 4th graders to 5th grade 
• celebrate the future mrs. wollard with her bach party

june 2014

• celebrated what would have been brandon's 24th birthday 
• celebrated a dear friend with bach party in nashville
• put on the 3rd annual brandon m jacques golf tournament
• married off my future SIL

july 2014

• spent time with family
• bugs joined brandon in heaven and we celebrated his short, wonderful life and all the lives he touches in such a short time. 

august 2014

• shared a nice weekend away for my bach party with some girlfriends
• had a wonderful bridal shower and shared some sweet memories with our amazing friends and family 

september 2014

• married my best friend on the most perfect day

october 2014

• turned 29 - YIKES
• celebrated the royals in the world 

november/december 2014

• spent wonderful time with my family for the holidays
• attended my cousins wedding 
• left for our honeymoon dec.27 and spent a week celebrating, lounging, and relaxing with my hubby 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

while we have been busy spending time celebrating, laughing, and moving from one day to another -- sometimes it feels like i am stuck in the same spot and i can see the world moving around me. people's lives moving on, going places, and i just feel stuck. 

it's usually those same times when i have thoughts of brandon, with each passing day, celebrating, holiday, sundays, any day of the week - i can't help but play in my head and ask those questions of "what would he be doing?" "how would he react?" "he would love this" 

the day that rings true to all of those the most though is my wedding day. while many people tried so gentlly and kindly to remind that he was there with me in my heart - sometime's thats not good enough. i wanted to see his awkward smile at the end of the aisle standing next to ryan. i wanted to dance with him at the reception. i wanted him to tell me how beautiful i looked when he saw me in my dress. i wanted to hear him singing on the trolley ride after the ceremony. while, i know he is in my heart always - sometimes  ALWAYS want him here. 

i dont want him in my heart, i want him there. with  me. doing these things. seeing what we see. celebrating what we are seeing. i want to hear his laugh. i miss his sarcastic jokes. ornery chuckles. and his quick witted sense of humor. 

the other day i said "if you think i'm stubborn, strong willed and determined, you must have never met my brother" and followed with a daydream and a smile just remembering all the times he wore those qualities so well. qualities that i never paired with myself but of him. he was always those things. and now, now i get so happy when a little part of him comes out in me. 

he is on my mind always. everyday when i wake up. before i fall asleep. only my lonely days. on my busy days. when i cuddle with tucker. when i visit my parents. when i drive down hwy 69. always. there's not a time, a place, a moment when i don't miss him and just crave to see him, talk to him, or to hear him run up the stairs, two stairs at a time (something i could never do). 

as i type this, my chest feels heavy, my breaths are slow, my eyes burning, and tears fill my eyes. i've just never wanted something bad in my life before than to have him back. 

but i know, i need to keep going. i need to keep fighting. fighting for him. fighting for others. fighting for other sisters out there so they aren't sitting behind a screen with a yearn to see their baby brother just once more time. 

so, while my chest is heavy and my face full of tears: i choose fighting. i choose to be strong. i choose to stand up for what i know is right. i choose to continue being a protective big sister. i choose to help leave his legacy. 

to those who say fighting for what you know is right is easy. have never had to fight before.