the eve of a nightmare.

some of you may have to check your calendars in the morning to realize is april 2nd - not me.

i can strictly tell tomorrow is april 2nd by the tightness in my chest. the feeling of my chest actually crushing down on my heart, so hard that i can feel my heart beat faster as i begin to type this. my fingers are shaking and my shoulders are tensing up. my eyes have a constant burn that let me know that tears could flood out at any given moment. my head is instantly filled with happy memories to sad memories to the grieving process. each year this feeling gets more and more identifiable.

as of tomorrow evening  - i've had an angel brother for three years.

it makes me literally want to fall to the ground and hit the floor on knees screaming "why?" but i can't. im frozen.

three years later.

i'm still numb & can't bring myself to ask the "why" question anymore. no answer could ever take away this pain. it doesn't matter why to me. it matters that it's the truth. this is my life. this is real.

many times when my thoughts are "jumpy" my brain turns into a pinball - bouncing from scene to scene.

i remember where i was. what i was wearing. who told me. how they said it. and then....i immediately recognize these same feelings i am feeling tonight. shortness of breath. chest caving in. hands shaking...and the urge to fall to the ground.

i've talked a lot about grieving here in my space and with that the famous words "times will heal" - i'm not sure who ever said that, but I'm not sure if they ever actually experienced losing the closest thing to you.

i think something, time makes it worse. we live our daily lives. get up. put our pants on and try to make the best of each moment; for we have a life to live. then there are these moments that shoot through like lightening that make us remember: yes, time has passed. but i'm not healed. our loved one has missed so many memories, experiences, and conversations here on our Earth. {while we selfishly want them here - i do know my Brother is in Heaven with our Jesus; oh what a beautiful blessing!}

but it just makes it worse.

tonight, i wanted to put into writing all the things that have happened that i've had to share without my brother.

Brother: I know each day you watch me from Heaven and are by my side when you need me. However, some of these moments will never be the same because you weren't here to share them with me. Keep sending me you 'angel signs' so I know you're there. Love you. 

1. Easter 2011
2. Moving things of my classroom for me May 2011 - never had to ask twice 
3. Your 21st Birth Day party at mom and dad's house
4.My Master's graduation July 2011 -  this makes me laugh because i just know you would have had something smart to say about my accomplishments and my ridiculous cap and gown. all the while, you would have been first in line to take your picture with me :)
5. Moving my things back into my classroom August 2011
6. Our Housewarming party October 2011
7. My 26th Birthday
8. Thanksgiving 2011 - the first "real" holiday with you. things were just "quieter" - nothing has been the same since. 
9. Winter Break and Christmas 2011. No gingerbread houses. We had to beg mom to put up a Christmas tree. I cried Christmas morning without. I had to pass out the gifts all by myself. 
10. Bringing in a New Year - 2012. The year before: Mom, Dad, you, Ryan and I all played games in the basement at home. We missed you. 
11. Valentine's Day 2012 - We always had the best time picking out the cards in the aisles at Walmart. You were really good at it. 
12. Year 1 of you being gone. This day has become a new day for mom, dad and i. we spend the day with each other usually in silence but i know that we are all thinking of the wonderful memories we have with you. 
13. Easter 2012
14. The end of another school year. 
15. Your 22nd Birthday
16. A trip to Colorado. You loved the mountains and swinging from the trees. 
*A golf tournament held in your memory - so many people that loved and cared for you. I love hearing the stories about how you had a positive impact on so many other people. 
17. The Beginning of a new school year -  i just know how much you loved moving that stuff in and out for me. :)
18. My 27th Birthday
19. Thanksgiving 2012
20. Winter Break and Christmas 2012
21. Another new year 2013. 
22. Picking out Vday Cards 2013, Mother's Day and Fathers Day 2013
23. Easter 2013 - Always seems to be the hardest. 
24. 2 years without you. I tried going to work but couldn't necessarily function. I left early and went straight to Mom and Dads. 
25. Eating Disorder Advocacy Day in Jeff City - trying to change the ways for you!
*We handed out 2 scholarships in your name. 
26. Your 23rd Birthday
*Another successful golf tournament in your memory!
27. We had a trip to Washington DC for the NEDA national convention - totally not your thing; but we did it for you!
28. Ryan and I got engaged! I remember one of our conversations about Ryan when we started dating and I will forever treasure it. Thank you for your blessing before I even knew. 
29. Thanksgiving 2013
30. Winter Break and Christmas 2013
31. bringing in a new year 2014. 
32. wedding planning. picking out tuxes. 
33. Baby Karson is in the hospital. I know you're keeping a close eye on him from Heaven. 
while, these are the big things that immediately came to mind, i know there are daily events you would have been there for. usually a smart joke through text message with dry sense of humor - or sharing our writing advice. we were so much alike and completely opposite all at the same time. 

sometimes i wonder how i am still standing. how i get up and push through each day. then i remember, we shared the same strength. equally strong. bull headed - and i know you'd have it no other way.

Easter Morning - so serious. 

May 2009 - Your High School Graduation Party

Summer 2009 - Mom & Dad took us in the RV to South Dakota. While we complained, we love every minute of it. {besides no cell phone service.}

i cherish these moments forever. these memories are the stitch that hold me together.

here's to dreading every minute of tomorrow...

goodnight.

strong.

strong & broken. 

i'm not ready to share yet, but several life events have seemed to happen all in the same couple weeks. some good, some stressful, some happy, some hard, some unplanned, some planned. i know this is all part of a greater plan and while i know that, days are just hard. plain and simple. 

often times, when i can't find the words or don't want to put my troubles on someone else's shoulders - i lean to quotes. pinterest. magazines. songs. 

so here are a few quotes that i am connecting with right now. 

if you're a prayer person: i would appreciate some of those this week.

thanks for listening,

h

seasons of grieving.

if i would write a book...

this post may come off as ridiculous, out of the blue, or "dark"; but for those who have experienced grief, i only hope that maybe; just a little part of you...can relate. 

as the seasons change, many people are getting amped up for spring. for them, spring means sunshine, outdoor activities, more time with friends & just an upbeat attitude. 

truth be told, spring has a whole new meaning to me. to me, spring means another anniversary of losing my brother is getting closer and each year it brings more and more anxiety. it means, i refresh and replay memories of joy and pain as the season gets closer. 

for me, spring is the most painful season. 

throughout the grieving process, i've found myself reflective and have spent a lot of time just wanting answers. while, i know God is the only one who really knows....as the type A personality i am; wouldn't it be nice to open up a book and read how you're going to feel, when it's going to start, what might trigger different emotions?

i've talked before about a book i read as an "early griever" and it made me angry. the things i was feeling at that moment, weren't listed in the book. this made me think many things, "are my feelings weird/different?, why am i not grieving like it says i should?, should i feel bad? ......." the list could go on. 

so as spring approaches and i begin to feel so many emotions; i bring to you today:

names of chapters that should be included in a book for grievers. 

first things first; the title. 

i have a  couple options:

• rollercoasters: an unpredictable ride.
• life sucks
• a new "normal"

now for the chapters/subjects that i feel should be included:

• you just lost someone & shouldn't be reading this because in a few weeks you won't remember jack
• no, it won't go away
• no, a book doesn't know your feelings
• no, people don't "know how you feel."
• don't feel guilty for each morning you wake up 
• anxiety leading up to "firsts": first birthdays, first holidays, first family vacation, first baby, FIRSTS FIRSTS FIRSTS
• everyone grieves at their own paces
• everyone grieves in their our way
• no, it will never be the same
• but you will create your new normal
• a new meaning of the literal meaning :heart ache.
• yes, it's okay to cry---at everything or at nothing
• it's okay to be mad
• it's a never-ending process

these are just a few off the top of my head, that i wish so badly would have been at my fingertips those first few weeks and months when "i thought i was ready to heal."

newsflash: you're never ready. 

so with that, thats what i think about grieving. 

i've been grieving {for almost 3 years.}

i'm still grieving

i'll always be grieving...

because after all, a person, my baby brother & my parent's only son was taken from us. 

it's okay if i never forget. it's okay if i never stop crying when i speak of him. it's okay if still pick up the phone to try to call him. it's okay if i think about the day that i will tell our children of their amazing uncle they will never know. it's okay if we still hang 4 stockings. and last but not least, 

 it's okay if some days--i just don't feel "okay."

this is my process. and only my process. 

thanks for listening,

love,

h

witnessing a legacy.

thank you o.y.o. 

i promise, to me these titles make complete and honest since in this crazy, fast spinning head of mine. tonight, there are a lot of mixed and crazy emotions. i've been telling myself i've wanted to write this blog for a week now...and have procrastinated; partly because it's scary. but, i got a text message from a dear new friend of mine saying she had stopped by to see brandon and knew it was a sign. go ahead. be brave & write. 

disclaimer: i can't promise anything below is going to make great sense. i am here to strictly get these thoughts and feelings off my chest. 

it was several months after my brother passed that i picked up a book that from the cover looked like it had all the answers to the grieving process. there are seven steps it told me. tips on when and handle each one. but as we approach 3 years, i begin to believe more and more that book was full of it. 

ive learned a lot in this process and i have definitely learned that each person grieves, remembers, reflects in their own personal way. that is comfortable for them.  sure, i'd love to have quick 7 easy steps to follow....but it's not that simple. 

there are good days. bad days..and days you feel extra connected. and days where you feel like you are the only one. the days i feel like i am alone, i hear myself asking the same question "am i doing this alone? am i grieving alone? do people remember?" and you know...i was reminded several weeks ago, that while we may feel alone, YES people remember. and boy, knowing that is one of the sweetest most meaningful reminders of what a wonderful legacy you're loved one has left. 

let me share this amazing moment with you and the people responsible for helping me heal in this awful, dreadful and scary process. 

a few months ago, i got an email from a friend of brandon's and our mutual family friend wanting a few of his pictures. as requested, i sent them on and had thought nothing of it. 

until last week, when we were told that this family friend had dedicated his third episode of season one to my brother. just typing this literally warms my heart. 

our friend, host and producer of Over Yonder Outdoors, Austin Thomas had graciously done this and with such a natural vision. 

the words spoke in the first part of the episode were " when we begin this journey two years ago, a tragedy struck when one of our good friends and a family member to one of the guys on our crew had passed away. we were really close with him and when we started me, drake and taylor all agreed that we knew if he were still alive that he would be helping us produce this show so going into season one  we always knew we wanted to dedicate an episode to him"  

those words brought tears, yes, but so much happiness to me because i was watching someone else remember and grieve the loss of brandon. they remembered. they miss him too. and i'm not alone in this. 

while, those are just a mere seconds of the whole episode, those words spoken of brandon will always be close to my heart and will cherish them. 

so, that brings me to my subtitle. thank you oyo: thank you for allowing my brother to be apart of something so special. thank you for providing me a little piece of comfort in my darkest days. thank you for leave such a wonderful legacy. and thank you for being some of the greatest friends my brother had here on earth. you'll never fully understand how thankful and blessed i feel because of that small token of remembrance. thank you. 

You can watch by clicking the link below:

OYO Episode 3

You can become a part of this wonderful OYO family but watching Sunday nights at 5pm on the Sportsman Channel. These are young guys, doing what they love, and following their dreams. 

while, austin and his crew film outdoor hunting adventures, i am so excited that austin has agreed to film our wedding in september...while i know brandon may not physically be there with us on that day, austin and his crew will be just another reminder that brandon is there. so thankful for our friendship. brandon was sure blessed with some amazing friends.