i can strictly tell tomorrow is april 2nd by the tightness in my chest. the feeling of my chest actually crushing down on my heart, so hard that i can feel my heart beat faster as i begin to type this. my fingers are shaking and my shoulders are tensing up. my eyes have a constant burn that let me know that tears could flood out at any given moment. my head is instantly filled with happy memories to sad memories to the grieving process. each year this feeling gets more and more identifiable.
as of tomorrow evening - i've had an angel brother for three years.
it makes me literally want to fall to the ground and hit the floor on knees screaming "why?" but i can't. im frozen.
three years later.
i'm still numb & can't bring myself to ask the "why" question anymore. no answer could ever take away this pain. it doesn't matter why to me. it matters that it's the truth. this is my life. this is real.
many times when my thoughts are "jumpy" my brain turns into a pinball - bouncing from scene to scene.
i remember where i was. what i was wearing. who told me. how they said it. and then....i immediately recognize these same feelings i am feeling tonight. shortness of breath. chest caving in. hands shaking...and the urge to fall to the ground.
i've talked a lot about grieving here in my space and with that the famous words "times will heal" - i'm not sure who ever said that, but I'm not sure if they ever actually experienced losing the closest thing to you.
i think something, time makes it worse. we live our daily lives. get up. put our pants on and try to make the best of each moment; for we have a life to live. then there are these moments that shoot through like lightening that make us remember: yes, time has passed. but i'm not healed. our loved one has missed so many memories, experiences, and conversations here on our Earth. {while we selfishly want them here - i do know my Brother is in Heaven with our Jesus; oh what a beautiful blessing!}
but it just makes it worse.
tonight, i wanted to put into writing all the things that have happened that i've had to share without my brother.
Brother: I know each day you watch me from Heaven and are by my side when you need me. However, some of these moments will never be the same because you weren't here to share them with me. Keep sending me you 'angel signs' so I know you're there. Love you.
1. Easter 2011
2. Moving things of my classroom for me May 2011 - never had to ask twice
3. Your 21st Birth Day party at mom and dad's house
4.My Master's graduation July 2011 - this makes me laugh because i just know you would have had something smart to say about my accomplishments and my ridiculous cap and gown. all the while, you would have been first in line to take your picture with me :)
5. Moving my things back into my classroom August 2011
6. Our Housewarming party October 2011
7. My 26th Birthday
8. Thanksgiving 2011 - the first "real" holiday with you. things were just "quieter" - nothing has been the same since.
9. Winter Break and Christmas 2011. No gingerbread houses. We had to beg mom to put up a Christmas tree. I cried Christmas morning without. I had to pass out the gifts all by myself.
10. Bringing in a New Year - 2012. The year before: Mom, Dad, you, Ryan and I all played games in the basement at home. We missed you.
11. Valentine's Day 2012 - We always had the best time picking out the cards in the aisles at Walmart. You were really good at it.
12. Year 1 of you being gone. This day has become a new day for mom, dad and i. we spend the day with each other usually in silence but i know that we are all thinking of the wonderful memories we have with you.
13. Easter 2012
14. The end of another school year.
15. Your 22nd Birthday
16. A trip to Colorado. You loved the mountains and swinging from the trees.
*A golf tournament held in your memory - so many people that loved and cared for you. I love hearing the stories about how you had a positive impact on so many other people.
17. The Beginning of a new school year - i just know how much you loved moving that stuff in and out for me. :)
18. My 27th Birthday
19. Thanksgiving 2012
20. Winter Break and Christmas 2012
21. Another new year 2013.
22. Picking out Vday Cards 2013, Mother's Day and Fathers Day 2013
23. Easter 2013 - Always seems to be the hardest.
24. 2 years without you. I tried going to work but couldn't necessarily function. I left early and went straight to Mom and Dads.
25. Eating Disorder Advocacy Day in Jeff City - trying to change the ways for you!
*We handed out 2 scholarships in your name.
26. Your 23rd Birthday
*Another successful golf tournament in your memory!
27. We had a trip to Washington DC for the NEDA national convention - totally not your thing; but we did it for you!
28. Ryan and I got engaged! I remember one of our conversations about Ryan when we started dating and I will forever treasure it. Thank you for your blessing before I even knew.
29. Thanksgiving 2013
30. Winter Break and Christmas 2013
31. bringing in a new year 2014.
32. wedding planning. picking out tuxes.
33. Baby Karson is in the hospital. I know you're keeping a close eye on him from Heaven.
while, these are the big things that immediately came to mind, i know there are daily events you would have been there for. usually a smart joke through text message with dry sense of humor - or sharing our writing advice. we were so much alike and completely opposite all at the same time.
sometimes i wonder how i am still standing. how i get up and push through each day. then i remember, we shared the same strength. equally strong. bull headed - and i know you'd have it no other way.
Easter Morning - so serious.
May 2009 - Your High School Graduation Party
Summer 2009 - Mom & Dad took us in the RV to South Dakota. While we complained, we love every minute of it. {besides no cell phone service.}
i cherish these moments forever. these memories are the stitch that hold me together.
here's to dreading every minute of tomorrow...
goodnight.
I miss your brother and my friend.he never judged me.and he worked just as hard as I did .lol maybe more...I remember when I found out. I received a call asking me if I herd what happened. I didn't want to believe it .so I started calling his cell phone and I kept getting his voice mail. and the more I became upset and the more I realized it was true.....and then I became extremely angry. asking why...him ..your mom and dad your brother always treated me awesome. and I felt comfortable around all of them. .they even sent me a birthday card a few years.ive never had someone send me a birthday card before. and I think about him often. .and it became hard to go to the shop and to face your mom and dad .I don't know why but it did . maybe because I felt their devastation. and maybe because I didn't want them to see me cry..and the pain of loosing love ones never goes away and it never gets easier day after day .I remember driving to the house and seeing your mom and dad and everyone else. I still had a bad limp from my motorcycle accident. and I went to pay my respect.and your mother gave me a hug and told me how much he liked me and that he talked about me often. .im christian ferm. .friend of your brother my brother.
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