{fix my eyes.}

what is seen is temporary. 

driving this morning i heard one of my favorite christian songs that i've probably 100 times but this morning it felt different, and i turned it up and listened even more closely than normal. 

it's called fix my eyes by king & country. 

you can listen here...fix my eyes by king & country

"Fix My Eyes"

Hit rewind, click delete

Stand face to face with the younger me

All of the mistakes

All of the heartbreak

Here's what I'd do differently, I'd

Love like I'm not scared

Give when it's not fair

Live life for another

Take time for a brother

Fight for the weak ones

Speak out for freedom

Find faith in the battle

Stand tall but above it all

Fix my eyes on You

On You

I learned the lines and talked the talk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows it)

But the road less traveled is hard to walk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows)

It takes a soldier

Who knows his orders

To walk the walk I'm supposed to walk, and

The things of earth are dimming

In the light of Your glory and grace

I'll set my sights upon Heaven

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes

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here's what hit home:

we get one chance here on earth to follow in those footsteps, to fix our eyes on him & do good for others.

i found myself reflecting and questioning that a lot. 

life is fast. it is not promised for tomorrow. 

do we get caught up in what seems like the "BIG" stuff? i know i can sometimes...

--OR--

do we sit, see whats in front of ourselves and have no regrets?

the lyrics say it all "but the road less traveled is hard to walk"  - Yes, yes it is. 

but here's the good thing, it's not too late. we have been granted another precious day to do with it what we feel led to do. 

how can you change the world? or maybe just one little moment in the world around you? 

one line touched my heart specifically "live life for another...fight for the weak ones" 

reflecting on personal things happening, this just touched me. 

just another reassurance that while we are continually living in darkness and still trying to figure out our family's normal - we MUST live for another (my brother) who didn't get the opportunity and FIGHT for the weak ones and continue to make good change along the way. 

isn't it just crazy how one song you've heard a million times can take on a whole different meaning on a random, gloomy, cold sunday? 

this morning completely changed my mood:: no matter how easy it would be to give up...

--I WILL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING FOR THE WEAK ONES--

 

we have one beautiful life to live on this earth, what will you choose to do with your days? 

CHANGING > COMPLAINING

thanks for letting me ramble.

happy glorious sunday y'all. 

now crank up that song & change the world!

unknown.

welcome back.

i'm not sure how many of you that know me would believe me if i told you i've taken time from blogging because i just haven't had the words to write anything. my last post was april 2014. almost a year ago. however, i haven't written BUT a lot of things have happened since then. 

may 2014

• finished my 5th year of teaching 
• decided to follow my 4th graders to 5th grade 
• celebrate the future mrs. wollard with her bach party

june 2014

• celebrated what would have been brandon's 24th birthday 
• celebrated a dear friend with bach party in nashville
• put on the 3rd annual brandon m jacques golf tournament
• married off my future SIL

july 2014

• spent time with family
• bugs joined brandon in heaven and we celebrated his short, wonderful life and all the lives he touches in such a short time. 

august 2014

• shared a nice weekend away for my bach party with some girlfriends
• had a wonderful bridal shower and shared some sweet memories with our amazing friends and family 

september 2014

• married my best friend on the most perfect day

october 2014

• turned 29 - YIKES
• celebrated the royals in the world 

november/december 2014

• spent wonderful time with my family for the holidays
• attended my cousins wedding 
• left for our honeymoon dec.27 and spent a week celebrating, lounging, and relaxing with my hubby 

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while we have been busy spending time celebrating, laughing, and moving from one day to another -- sometimes it feels like i am stuck in the same spot and i can see the world moving around me. people's lives moving on, going places, and i just feel stuck. 

it's usually those same times when i have thoughts of brandon, with each passing day, celebrating, holiday, sundays, any day of the week - i can't help but play in my head and ask those questions of "what would he be doing?" "how would he react?" "he would love this" 

the day that rings true to all of those the most though is my wedding day. while many people tried so gentlly and kindly to remind that he was there with me in my heart - sometime's thats not good enough. i wanted to see his awkward smile at the end of the aisle standing next to ryan. i wanted to dance with him at the reception. i wanted him to tell me how beautiful i looked when he saw me in my dress. i wanted to hear him singing on the trolley ride after the ceremony. while, i know he is in my heart always - sometimes  ALWAYS want him here. 

i dont want him in my heart, i want him there. with  me. doing these things. seeing what we see. celebrating what we are seeing. i want to hear his laugh. i miss his sarcastic jokes. ornery chuckles. and his quick witted sense of humor. 

the other day i said "if you think i'm stubborn, strong willed and determined, you must have never met my brother" and followed with a daydream and a smile just remembering all the times he wore those qualities so well. qualities that i never paired with myself but of him. he was always those things. and now, now i get so happy when a little part of him comes out in me. 

he is on my mind always. everyday when i wake up. before i fall asleep. only my lonely days. on my busy days. when i cuddle with tucker. when i visit my parents. when i drive down hwy 69. always. there's not a time, a place, a moment when i don't miss him and just crave to see him, talk to him, or to hear him run up the stairs, two stairs at a time (something i could never do). 

as i type this, my chest feels heavy, my breaths are slow, my eyes burning, and tears fill my eyes. i've just never wanted something bad in my life before than to have him back. 

but i know, i need to keep going. i need to keep fighting. fighting for him. fighting for others. fighting for other sisters out there so they aren't sitting behind a screen with a yearn to see their baby brother just once more time. 

so, while my chest is heavy and my face full of tears: i choose fighting. i choose to be strong. i choose to stand up for what i know is right. i choose to continue being a protective big sister. i choose to help leave his legacy. 

to those who say fighting for what you know is right is easy. have never had to fight before. 

the eve of a nightmare.

some of you may have to check your calendars in the morning to realize is april 2nd - not me.

i can strictly tell tomorrow is april 2nd by the tightness in my chest. the feeling of my chest actually crushing down on my heart, so hard that i can feel my heart beat faster as i begin to type this. my fingers are shaking and my shoulders are tensing up. my eyes have a constant burn that let me know that tears could flood out at any given moment. my head is instantly filled with happy memories to sad memories to the grieving process. each year this feeling gets more and more identifiable.

as of tomorrow evening  - i've had an angel brother for three years.

it makes me literally want to fall to the ground and hit the floor on knees screaming "why?" but i can't. im frozen.

three years later.

i'm still numb & can't bring myself to ask the "why" question anymore. no answer could ever take away this pain. it doesn't matter why to me. it matters that it's the truth. this is my life. this is real.

many times when my thoughts are "jumpy" my brain turns into a pinball - bouncing from scene to scene.

i remember where i was. what i was wearing. who told me. how they said it. and then....i immediately recognize these same feelings i am feeling tonight. shortness of breath. chest caving in. hands shaking...and the urge to fall to the ground.

i've talked a lot about grieving here in my space and with that the famous words "times will heal" - i'm not sure who ever said that, but I'm not sure if they ever actually experienced losing the closest thing to you.

i think something, time makes it worse. we live our daily lives. get up. put our pants on and try to make the best of each moment; for we have a life to live. then there are these moments that shoot through like lightening that make us remember: yes, time has passed. but i'm not healed. our loved one has missed so many memories, experiences, and conversations here on our Earth. {while we selfishly want them here - i do know my Brother is in Heaven with our Jesus; oh what a beautiful blessing!}

but it just makes it worse.

tonight, i wanted to put into writing all the things that have happened that i've had to share without my brother.

Brother: I know each day you watch me from Heaven and are by my side when you need me. However, some of these moments will never be the same because you weren't here to share them with me. Keep sending me you 'angel signs' so I know you're there. Love you. 

1. Easter 2011
2. Moving things of my classroom for me May 2011 - never had to ask twice 
3. Your 21st Birth Day party at mom and dad's house
4.My Master's graduation July 2011 -  this makes me laugh because i just know you would have had something smart to say about my accomplishments and my ridiculous cap and gown. all the while, you would have been first in line to take your picture with me :)
5. Moving my things back into my classroom August 2011
6. Our Housewarming party October 2011
7. My 26th Birthday
8. Thanksgiving 2011 - the first "real" holiday with you. things were just "quieter" - nothing has been the same since. 
9. Winter Break and Christmas 2011. No gingerbread houses. We had to beg mom to put up a Christmas tree. I cried Christmas morning without. I had to pass out the gifts all by myself. 
10. Bringing in a New Year - 2012. The year before: Mom, Dad, you, Ryan and I all played games in the basement at home. We missed you. 
11. Valentine's Day 2012 - We always had the best time picking out the cards in the aisles at Walmart. You were really good at it. 
12. Year 1 of you being gone. This day has become a new day for mom, dad and i. we spend the day with each other usually in silence but i know that we are all thinking of the wonderful memories we have with you. 
13. Easter 2012
14. The end of another school year. 
15. Your 22nd Birthday
16. A trip to Colorado. You loved the mountains and swinging from the trees. 
*A golf tournament held in your memory - so many people that loved and cared for you. I love hearing the stories about how you had a positive impact on so many other people. 
17. The Beginning of a new school year -  i just know how much you loved moving that stuff in and out for me. :)
18. My 27th Birthday
19. Thanksgiving 2012
20. Winter Break and Christmas 2012
21. Another new year 2013. 
22. Picking out Vday Cards 2013, Mother's Day and Fathers Day 2013
23. Easter 2013 - Always seems to be the hardest. 
24. 2 years without you. I tried going to work but couldn't necessarily function. I left early and went straight to Mom and Dads. 
25. Eating Disorder Advocacy Day in Jeff City - trying to change the ways for you!
*We handed out 2 scholarships in your name. 
26. Your 23rd Birthday
*Another successful golf tournament in your memory!
27. We had a trip to Washington DC for the NEDA national convention - totally not your thing; but we did it for you!
28. Ryan and I got engaged! I remember one of our conversations about Ryan when we started dating and I will forever treasure it. Thank you for your blessing before I even knew. 
29. Thanksgiving 2013
30. Winter Break and Christmas 2013
31. bringing in a new year 2014. 
32. wedding planning. picking out tuxes. 
33. Baby Karson is in the hospital. I know you're keeping a close eye on him from Heaven. 
while, these are the big things that immediately came to mind, i know there are daily events you would have been there for. usually a smart joke through text message with dry sense of humor - or sharing our writing advice. we were so much alike and completely opposite all at the same time. 

sometimes i wonder how i am still standing. how i get up and push through each day. then i remember, we shared the same strength. equally strong. bull headed - and i know you'd have it no other way.

Easter Morning - so serious. 

May 2009 - Your High School Graduation Party

Summer 2009 - Mom & Dad took us in the RV to South Dakota. While we complained, we love every minute of it. {besides no cell phone service.}

i cherish these moments forever. these memories are the stitch that hold me together.

here's to dreading every minute of tomorrow...

goodnight.

strong.

strong & broken. 

i'm not ready to share yet, but several life events have seemed to happen all in the same couple weeks. some good, some stressful, some happy, some hard, some unplanned, some planned. i know this is all part of a greater plan and while i know that, days are just hard. plain and simple. 

often times, when i can't find the words or don't want to put my troubles on someone else's shoulders - i lean to quotes. pinterest. magazines. songs. 

so here are a few quotes that i am connecting with right now. 

if you're a prayer person: i would appreciate some of those this week.

thanks for listening,

h

seasons of grieving.

if i would write a book...

this post may come off as ridiculous, out of the blue, or "dark"; but for those who have experienced grief, i only hope that maybe; just a little part of you...can relate. 

as the seasons change, many people are getting amped up for spring. for them, spring means sunshine, outdoor activities, more time with friends & just an upbeat attitude. 

truth be told, spring has a whole new meaning to me. to me, spring means another anniversary of losing my brother is getting closer and each year it brings more and more anxiety. it means, i refresh and replay memories of joy and pain as the season gets closer. 

for me, spring is the most painful season. 

throughout the grieving process, i've found myself reflective and have spent a lot of time just wanting answers. while, i know God is the only one who really knows....as the type A personality i am; wouldn't it be nice to open up a book and read how you're going to feel, when it's going to start, what might trigger different emotions?

i've talked before about a book i read as an "early griever" and it made me angry. the things i was feeling at that moment, weren't listed in the book. this made me think many things, "are my feelings weird/different?, why am i not grieving like it says i should?, should i feel bad? ......." the list could go on. 

so as spring approaches and i begin to feel so many emotions; i bring to you today:

names of chapters that should be included in a book for grievers. 

first things first; the title. 

i have a  couple options:

• rollercoasters: an unpredictable ride.
• life sucks
• a new "normal"

now for the chapters/subjects that i feel should be included:

• you just lost someone & shouldn't be reading this because in a few weeks you won't remember jack
• no, it won't go away
• no, a book doesn't know your feelings
• no, people don't "know how you feel."
• don't feel guilty for each morning you wake up 
• anxiety leading up to "firsts": first birthdays, first holidays, first family vacation, first baby, FIRSTS FIRSTS FIRSTS
• everyone grieves at their own paces
• everyone grieves in their our way
• no, it will never be the same
• but you will create your new normal
• a new meaning of the literal meaning :heart ache.
• yes, it's okay to cry---at everything or at nothing
• it's okay to be mad
• it's a never-ending process

these are just a few off the top of my head, that i wish so badly would have been at my fingertips those first few weeks and months when "i thought i was ready to heal."

newsflash: you're never ready. 

so with that, thats what i think about grieving. 

i've been grieving {for almost 3 years.}

i'm still grieving

i'll always be grieving...

because after all, a person, my baby brother & my parent's only son was taken from us. 

it's okay if i never forget. it's okay if i never stop crying when i speak of him. it's okay if still pick up the phone to try to call him. it's okay if i think about the day that i will tell our children of their amazing uncle they will never know. it's okay if we still hang 4 stockings. and last but not least, 

 it's okay if some days--i just don't feel "okay."

this is my process. and only my process. 

thanks for listening,

love,

h

witnessing a legacy.

thank you o.y.o. 

i promise, to me these titles make complete and honest since in this crazy, fast spinning head of mine. tonight, there are a lot of mixed and crazy emotions. i've been telling myself i've wanted to write this blog for a week now...and have procrastinated; partly because it's scary. but, i got a text message from a dear new friend of mine saying she had stopped by to see brandon and knew it was a sign. go ahead. be brave & write. 

disclaimer: i can't promise anything below is going to make great sense. i am here to strictly get these thoughts and feelings off my chest. 

it was several months after my brother passed that i picked up a book that from the cover looked like it had all the answers to the grieving process. there are seven steps it told me. tips on when and handle each one. but as we approach 3 years, i begin to believe more and more that book was full of it. 

ive learned a lot in this process and i have definitely learned that each person grieves, remembers, reflects in their own personal way. that is comfortable for them.  sure, i'd love to have quick 7 easy steps to follow....but it's not that simple. 

there are good days. bad days..and days you feel extra connected. and days where you feel like you are the only one. the days i feel like i am alone, i hear myself asking the same question "am i doing this alone? am i grieving alone? do people remember?" and you know...i was reminded several weeks ago, that while we may feel alone, YES people remember. and boy, knowing that is one of the sweetest most meaningful reminders of what a wonderful legacy you're loved one has left. 

let me share this amazing moment with you and the people responsible for helping me heal in this awful, dreadful and scary process. 

a few months ago, i got an email from a friend of brandon's and our mutual family friend wanting a few of his pictures. as requested, i sent them on and had thought nothing of it. 

until last week, when we were told that this family friend had dedicated his third episode of season one to my brother. just typing this literally warms my heart. 

our friend, host and producer of Over Yonder Outdoors, Austin Thomas had graciously done this and with such a natural vision. 

the words spoke in the first part of the episode were " when we begin this journey two years ago, a tragedy struck when one of our good friends and a family member to one of the guys on our crew had passed away. we were really close with him and when we started me, drake and taylor all agreed that we knew if he were still alive that he would be helping us produce this show so going into season one  we always knew we wanted to dedicate an episode to him"  

those words brought tears, yes, but so much happiness to me because i was watching someone else remember and grieve the loss of brandon. they remembered. they miss him too. and i'm not alone in this. 

while, those are just a mere seconds of the whole episode, those words spoken of brandon will always be close to my heart and will cherish them. 

so, that brings me to my subtitle. thank you oyo: thank you for allowing my brother to be apart of something so special. thank you for providing me a little piece of comfort in my darkest days. thank you for leave such a wonderful legacy. and thank you for being some of the greatest friends my brother had here on earth. you'll never fully understand how thankful and blessed i feel because of that small token of remembrance. thank you. 

You can watch by clicking the link below:

OYO Episode 3

You can become a part of this wonderful OYO family but watching Sunday nights at 5pm on the Sportsman Channel. These are young guys, doing what they love, and following their dreams. 

while, austin and his crew film outdoor hunting adventures, i am so excited that austin has agreed to film our wedding in september...while i know brandon may not physically be there with us on that day, austin and his crew will be just another reminder that brandon is there. so thankful for our friendship. brandon was sure blessed with some amazing friends. 

the jacques do DC - part two

continued.

i told myself i would wrap up all my lose ends on the blog before 2014. so here goes...

waking up the morning knowing you're about to step foot into the nation's capitol and ask them to support you...just a little ol' me from the midwest is almost the most intimating thing i've done. but through out the whole process, i try to put things in some sort of perspective that makes some sort of sense. just something.

that morning, while we got dressed and ready to go, i could definitely feel my heart beat a little fast than normal and little butterflies surrounded my insides while crazy thoughts ran through my head. 

i remember just telling myself to be honest, sincere, and just share our story. for those that know me, know that is often times hard for to speak about things especially when I'm not 100% positive that i actually know that I'm saying. so this was tough. what we would be talking about would be personal and important and directly effect my parents and i. 

we met the rest of the members who would be lobbying on the lobby of our hotel room. we immediately ran into a mother and friend who we had met in june at the neda kc walk. always nice to see familiar faces in such an unfamiliar place. 

i laugh now because as we stood in the lobby of our hotel, we watched outside as it poured. hard. our first appointment was at 11:30 and we'd have enough time to catch a bus. of course it would be raining.

we caught a bus alright. and they dropped us off at the wrong building which meant in order for my parents and i to make our 11:30...we had to walk. in the pouring rain. without umbrellas. or coats. 

.and we did. we persevered. for brandon. 

as we walked a good half mile, i remember looking over at my dad walking besides and he was soaking wet..so wet in fact there were rain drops dripping off the end of his nose. i like to imagine brandon sitting in heaven watching us three gallivanting around an unknown city to lobby for HIM while he watches it rain and pour on his. i'm sure he had a nice laugh.

we finally made it to our first appointment 30 minutes late and of course, their office happened to be participating in the government shutdown occurring at the same time so no one was in their office anyways. typical. 

we met with our other two appointments and i couldnt have been more excited about how they turned out. we got two agreements for our support on the caucus and bill coming and they were so sincere and friendly. 

in one of our meetings, my dad just started talking and everyone just looked. at that moment, i was so proud of us three and the work we were doing. 

it was that moment i realized my parents & i have two choices to continue living in our lives. we can sit, sulk and pity ourselves for the tremendous loss we have endured OR we can choose to change it, leave brandon's name as a legacy and help others. 

while changing it hasn't been the easiest road, it certainly is the most rewarding. 

thursday evening, we had a reception with other families and friends affected by eating disorders. it was a wonderful experience to be with others who had lived the same or close experience we had. 

on friday, we spent the day in seminars and learning more than i could have ever imagined about eating disorders. 

i feel so blessed that we had the opportunity to be apart of the conference and will hold on to the experience for years to come. i am curious to learn more and network with others....i think my career path may somewhere along the road..lead me back. 

for now, we embrace what we have learned, fill our hearts with the change for others, and walk each step of the journey for brandon. always. 

{i encourage you to be passionate. about anything. and pursue it.}

you have the power to change.