unknown.

welcome back.

i'm not sure how many of you that know me would believe me if i told you i've taken time from blogging because i just haven't had the words to write anything. my last post was april 2014. almost a year ago. however, i haven't written BUT a lot of things have happened since then. 

may 2014

• finished my 5th year of teaching 
• decided to follow my 4th graders to 5th grade 
• celebrate the future mrs. wollard with her bach party

june 2014

• celebrated what would have been brandon's 24th birthday 
• celebrated a dear friend with bach party in nashville
• put on the 3rd annual brandon m jacques golf tournament
• married off my future SIL

july 2014

• spent time with family
• bugs joined brandon in heaven and we celebrated his short, wonderful life and all the lives he touches in such a short time. 

august 2014

• shared a nice weekend away for my bach party with some girlfriends
• had a wonderful bridal shower and shared some sweet memories with our amazing friends and family 

september 2014

• married my best friend on the most perfect day

october 2014

• turned 29 - YIKES
• celebrated the royals in the world 

november/december 2014

• spent wonderful time with my family for the holidays
• attended my cousins wedding 
• left for our honeymoon dec.27 and spent a week celebrating, lounging, and relaxing with my hubby 

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while we have been busy spending time celebrating, laughing, and moving from one day to another -- sometimes it feels like i am stuck in the same spot and i can see the world moving around me. people's lives moving on, going places, and i just feel stuck. 

it's usually those same times when i have thoughts of brandon, with each passing day, celebrating, holiday, sundays, any day of the week - i can't help but play in my head and ask those questions of "what would he be doing?" "how would he react?" "he would love this" 

the day that rings true to all of those the most though is my wedding day. while many people tried so gentlly and kindly to remind that he was there with me in my heart - sometime's thats not good enough. i wanted to see his awkward smile at the end of the aisle standing next to ryan. i wanted to dance with him at the reception. i wanted him to tell me how beautiful i looked when he saw me in my dress. i wanted to hear him singing on the trolley ride after the ceremony. while, i know he is in my heart always - sometimes  ALWAYS want him here. 

i dont want him in my heart, i want him there. with  me. doing these things. seeing what we see. celebrating what we are seeing. i want to hear his laugh. i miss his sarcastic jokes. ornery chuckles. and his quick witted sense of humor. 

the other day i said "if you think i'm stubborn, strong willed and determined, you must have never met my brother" and followed with a daydream and a smile just remembering all the times he wore those qualities so well. qualities that i never paired with myself but of him. he was always those things. and now, now i get so happy when a little part of him comes out in me. 

he is on my mind always. everyday when i wake up. before i fall asleep. only my lonely days. on my busy days. when i cuddle with tucker. when i visit my parents. when i drive down hwy 69. always. there's not a time, a place, a moment when i don't miss him and just crave to see him, talk to him, or to hear him run up the stairs, two stairs at a time (something i could never do). 

as i type this, my chest feels heavy, my breaths are slow, my eyes burning, and tears fill my eyes. i've just never wanted something bad in my life before than to have him back. 

but i know, i need to keep going. i need to keep fighting. fighting for him. fighting for others. fighting for other sisters out there so they aren't sitting behind a screen with a yearn to see their baby brother just once more time. 

so, while my chest is heavy and my face full of tears: i choose fighting. i choose to be strong. i choose to stand up for what i know is right. i choose to continue being a protective big sister. i choose to help leave his legacy. 

to those who say fighting for what you know is right is easy. have never had to fight before.