strong.

strong & broken. 

i'm not ready to share yet, but several life events have seemed to happen all in the same couple weeks. some good, some stressful, some happy, some hard, some unplanned, some planned. i know this is all part of a greater plan and while i know that, days are just hard. plain and simple. 

often times, when i can't find the words or don't want to put my troubles on someone else's shoulders - i lean to quotes. pinterest. magazines. songs. 

so here are a few quotes that i am connecting with right now. 

if you're a prayer person: i would appreciate some of those this week.

thanks for listening,

h

seasons of grieving.

if i would write a book...

this post may come off as ridiculous, out of the blue, or "dark"; but for those who have experienced grief, i only hope that maybe; just a little part of you...can relate. 

as the seasons change, many people are getting amped up for spring. for them, spring means sunshine, outdoor activities, more time with friends & just an upbeat attitude. 

truth be told, spring has a whole new meaning to me. to me, spring means another anniversary of losing my brother is getting closer and each year it brings more and more anxiety. it means, i refresh and replay memories of joy and pain as the season gets closer. 

for me, spring is the most painful season. 

throughout the grieving process, i've found myself reflective and have spent a lot of time just wanting answers. while, i know God is the only one who really knows....as the type A personality i am; wouldn't it be nice to open up a book and read how you're going to feel, when it's going to start, what might trigger different emotions?

i've talked before about a book i read as an "early griever" and it made me angry. the things i was feeling at that moment, weren't listed in the book. this made me think many things, "are my feelings weird/different?, why am i not grieving like it says i should?, should i feel bad? ......." the list could go on. 

so as spring approaches and i begin to feel so many emotions; i bring to you today:

names of chapters that should be included in a book for grievers. 

first things first; the title. 

i have a  couple options:

• rollercoasters: an unpredictable ride.
• life sucks
• a new "normal"

now for the chapters/subjects that i feel should be included:

• you just lost someone & shouldn't be reading this because in a few weeks you won't remember jack
• no, it won't go away
• no, a book doesn't know your feelings
• no, people don't "know how you feel."
• don't feel guilty for each morning you wake up 
• anxiety leading up to "firsts": first birthdays, first holidays, first family vacation, first baby, FIRSTS FIRSTS FIRSTS
• everyone grieves at their own paces
• everyone grieves in their our way
• no, it will never be the same
• but you will create your new normal
• a new meaning of the literal meaning :heart ache.
• yes, it's okay to cry---at everything or at nothing
• it's okay to be mad
• it's a never-ending process

these are just a few off the top of my head, that i wish so badly would have been at my fingertips those first few weeks and months when "i thought i was ready to heal."

newsflash: you're never ready. 

so with that, thats what i think about grieving. 

i've been grieving {for almost 3 years.}

i'm still grieving

i'll always be grieving...

because after all, a person, my baby brother & my parent's only son was taken from us. 

it's okay if i never forget. it's okay if i never stop crying when i speak of him. it's okay if still pick up the phone to try to call him. it's okay if i think about the day that i will tell our children of their amazing uncle they will never know. it's okay if we still hang 4 stockings. and last but not least, 

 it's okay if some days--i just don't feel "okay."

this is my process. and only my process. 

thanks for listening,

love,

h