strong.

strong & broken. 

i'm not ready to share yet, but several life events have seemed to happen all in the same couple weeks. some good, some stressful, some happy, some hard, some unplanned, some planned. i know this is all part of a greater plan and while i know that, days are just hard. plain and simple. 

often times, when i can't find the words or don't want to put my troubles on someone else's shoulders - i lean to quotes. pinterest. magazines. songs. 

so here are a few quotes that i am connecting with right now. 

if you're a prayer person: i would appreciate some of those this week.

thanks for listening,

h

seasons of grieving.

if i would write a book...

this post may come off as ridiculous, out of the blue, or "dark"; but for those who have experienced grief, i only hope that maybe; just a little part of you...can relate. 

as the seasons change, many people are getting amped up for spring. for them, spring means sunshine, outdoor activities, more time with friends & just an upbeat attitude. 

truth be told, spring has a whole new meaning to me. to me, spring means another anniversary of losing my brother is getting closer and each year it brings more and more anxiety. it means, i refresh and replay memories of joy and pain as the season gets closer. 

for me, spring is the most painful season. 

throughout the grieving process, i've found myself reflective and have spent a lot of time just wanting answers. while, i know God is the only one who really knows....as the type A personality i am; wouldn't it be nice to open up a book and read how you're going to feel, when it's going to start, what might trigger different emotions?

i've talked before about a book i read as an "early griever" and it made me angry. the things i was feeling at that moment, weren't listed in the book. this made me think many things, "are my feelings weird/different?, why am i not grieving like it says i should?, should i feel bad? ......." the list could go on. 

so as spring approaches and i begin to feel so many emotions; i bring to you today:

names of chapters that should be included in a book for grievers. 

first things first; the title. 

i have a  couple options:

• rollercoasters: an unpredictable ride.
• life sucks
• a new "normal"

now for the chapters/subjects that i feel should be included:

• you just lost someone & shouldn't be reading this because in a few weeks you won't remember jack
• no, it won't go away
• no, a book doesn't know your feelings
• no, people don't "know how you feel."
• don't feel guilty for each morning you wake up 
• anxiety leading up to "firsts": first birthdays, first holidays, first family vacation, first baby, FIRSTS FIRSTS FIRSTS
• everyone grieves at their own paces
• everyone grieves in their our way
• no, it will never be the same
• but you will create your new normal
• a new meaning of the literal meaning :heart ache.
• yes, it's okay to cry---at everything or at nothing
• it's okay to be mad
• it's a never-ending process

these are just a few off the top of my head, that i wish so badly would have been at my fingertips those first few weeks and months when "i thought i was ready to heal."

newsflash: you're never ready. 

so with that, thats what i think about grieving. 

i've been grieving {for almost 3 years.}

i'm still grieving

i'll always be grieving...

because after all, a person, my baby brother & my parent's only son was taken from us. 

it's okay if i never forget. it's okay if i never stop crying when i speak of him. it's okay if still pick up the phone to try to call him. it's okay if i think about the day that i will tell our children of their amazing uncle they will never know. it's okay if we still hang 4 stockings. and last but not least, 

 it's okay if some days--i just don't feel "okay."

this is my process. and only my process. 

thanks for listening,

love,

h

witnessing a legacy.

thank you o.y.o. 

i promise, to me these titles make complete and honest since in this crazy, fast spinning head of mine. tonight, there are a lot of mixed and crazy emotions. i've been telling myself i've wanted to write this blog for a week now...and have procrastinated; partly because it's scary. but, i got a text message from a dear new friend of mine saying she had stopped by to see brandon and knew it was a sign. go ahead. be brave & write. 

disclaimer: i can't promise anything below is going to make great sense. i am here to strictly get these thoughts and feelings off my chest. 

it was several months after my brother passed that i picked up a book that from the cover looked like it had all the answers to the grieving process. there are seven steps it told me. tips on when and handle each one. but as we approach 3 years, i begin to believe more and more that book was full of it. 

ive learned a lot in this process and i have definitely learned that each person grieves, remembers, reflects in their own personal way. that is comfortable for them.  sure, i'd love to have quick 7 easy steps to follow....but it's not that simple. 

there are good days. bad days..and days you feel extra connected. and days where you feel like you are the only one. the days i feel like i am alone, i hear myself asking the same question "am i doing this alone? am i grieving alone? do people remember?" and you know...i was reminded several weeks ago, that while we may feel alone, YES people remember. and boy, knowing that is one of the sweetest most meaningful reminders of what a wonderful legacy you're loved one has left. 

let me share this amazing moment with you and the people responsible for helping me heal in this awful, dreadful and scary process. 

a few months ago, i got an email from a friend of brandon's and our mutual family friend wanting a few of his pictures. as requested, i sent them on and had thought nothing of it. 

until last week, when we were told that this family friend had dedicated his third episode of season one to my brother. just typing this literally warms my heart. 

our friend, host and producer of Over Yonder Outdoors, Austin Thomas had graciously done this and with such a natural vision. 

the words spoke in the first part of the episode were " when we begin this journey two years ago, a tragedy struck when one of our good friends and a family member to one of the guys on our crew had passed away. we were really close with him and when we started me, drake and taylor all agreed that we knew if he were still alive that he would be helping us produce this show so going into season one  we always knew we wanted to dedicate an episode to him"  

those words brought tears, yes, but so much happiness to me because i was watching someone else remember and grieve the loss of brandon. they remembered. they miss him too. and i'm not alone in this. 

while, those are just a mere seconds of the whole episode, those words spoken of brandon will always be close to my heart and will cherish them. 

so, that brings me to my subtitle. thank you oyo: thank you for allowing my brother to be apart of something so special. thank you for providing me a little piece of comfort in my darkest days. thank you for leave such a wonderful legacy. and thank you for being some of the greatest friends my brother had here on earth. you'll never fully understand how thankful and blessed i feel because of that small token of remembrance. thank you. 

You can watch by clicking the link below:

OYO Episode 3

You can become a part of this wonderful OYO family but watching Sunday nights at 5pm on the Sportsman Channel. These are young guys, doing what they love, and following their dreams. 

while, austin and his crew film outdoor hunting adventures, i am so excited that austin has agreed to film our wedding in september...while i know brandon may not physically be there with us on that day, austin and his crew will be just another reminder that brandon is there. so thankful for our friendship. brandon was sure blessed with some amazing friends. 

the jacques do DC - part two

continued.

i told myself i would wrap up all my lose ends on the blog before 2014. so here goes...

waking up the morning knowing you're about to step foot into the nation's capitol and ask them to support you...just a little ol' me from the midwest is almost the most intimating thing i've done. but through out the whole process, i try to put things in some sort of perspective that makes some sort of sense. just something.

that morning, while we got dressed and ready to go, i could definitely feel my heart beat a little fast than normal and little butterflies surrounded my insides while crazy thoughts ran through my head. 

i remember just telling myself to be honest, sincere, and just share our story. for those that know me, know that is often times hard for to speak about things especially when I'm not 100% positive that i actually know that I'm saying. so this was tough. what we would be talking about would be personal and important and directly effect my parents and i. 

we met the rest of the members who would be lobbying on the lobby of our hotel room. we immediately ran into a mother and friend who we had met in june at the neda kc walk. always nice to see familiar faces in such an unfamiliar place. 

i laugh now because as we stood in the lobby of our hotel, we watched outside as it poured. hard. our first appointment was at 11:30 and we'd have enough time to catch a bus. of course it would be raining.

we caught a bus alright. and they dropped us off at the wrong building which meant in order for my parents and i to make our 11:30...we had to walk. in the pouring rain. without umbrellas. or coats. 

.and we did. we persevered. for brandon. 

as we walked a good half mile, i remember looking over at my dad walking besides and he was soaking wet..so wet in fact there were rain drops dripping off the end of his nose. i like to imagine brandon sitting in heaven watching us three gallivanting around an unknown city to lobby for HIM while he watches it rain and pour on his. i'm sure he had a nice laugh.

we finally made it to our first appointment 30 minutes late and of course, their office happened to be participating in the government shutdown occurring at the same time so no one was in their office anyways. typical. 

we met with our other two appointments and i couldnt have been more excited about how they turned out. we got two agreements for our support on the caucus and bill coming and they were so sincere and friendly. 

in one of our meetings, my dad just started talking and everyone just looked. at that moment, i was so proud of us three and the work we were doing. 

it was that moment i realized my parents & i have two choices to continue living in our lives. we can sit, sulk and pity ourselves for the tremendous loss we have endured OR we can choose to change it, leave brandon's name as a legacy and help others. 

while changing it hasn't been the easiest road, it certainly is the most rewarding. 

thursday evening, we had a reception with other families and friends affected by eating disorders. it was a wonderful experience to be with others who had lived the same or close experience we had. 

on friday, we spent the day in seminars and learning more than i could have ever imagined about eating disorders. 

i feel so blessed that we had the opportunity to be apart of the conference and will hold on to the experience for years to come. i am curious to learn more and network with others....i think my career path may somewhere along the road..lead me back. 

for now, we embrace what we have learned, fill our hearts with the change for others, and walk each step of the journey for brandon. always. 

{i encourage you to be passionate. about anything. and pursue it.}

you have the power to change. 

the jacques' do DC - part one

details.

you know that saying...you never notice things until they're not there? that is so true. 

you know how i know?

i can count on one hand how many times my family has gone out to eat and when asked how many...we say 3. 

i can't tell you how many times we've actually eaten at the kitchen table in the last 2.5 years because no one wants to see the empty chair. 

i can't explain the pain it felt to get a new phone and be missing brother from my favorites. 

the list goes on, christmas, birthdays, riding in a car....four is just a much better number. 

i knew all these things were going on...until our trip to washington, dc. you see...i have been fortunate enough to have ryan in life before losing my brother and since losing my brother, my ryan has coincidently filled that very important fourth spot: dinner table, restaurants, back seat of the car. 

until washington, dc. no ryan wasn't going. just me. my mom. my dad. 

for weeks until the trip, i was fine...it was until the very day we were leaving and my parents were picking me up from work, that i had a lump in my heart and heaviness in my heart. this was just one more DETAIL & REMINDER of why were leaving on "vacation". 

sitting in the back of my dad's truck on the way to airport is when reality hit. 

heather- this isn't vacation. you are going to washington, dc because you've been raising money for the eating disorder association so no one has to suffer your pain or your brandon's pain when dealing with a life threatening illness. 

reality can be a real B. 

with that said, i was excited to spend this quality time with my parents for this purpose. it had been a while since the three of us had spent time together just being us. life gets busy and i am thankful we were granted this opportunity on so many levels; making a change...amazing; sharing the experience with my parents...even better! :)

 it was really late when we arrived in washington. our first adventure started with a taxi ride to our first hotel. it was crazy, weaving in and out of traffic with us three in the back seat...kind of like when you're a kid and you purposely let the curves through you around the back seat to smash the other person....yep..that happened...

we arrive at our first hotel (i won't mention names...read on)....it was beautiful..right down the street with an amazing view of our nation's capitol...we arrive to our room. and my dad quote "this place is made for midgets" between that and our slap-happiness from being awake for.  ev.   er. we laughed until our stomachs hurt...

before we knew it we were outside, walking the streets of washington, dc. with our luggage (thank GOD for luggage that rolls nicely) on to our next stop..

finally, a warm bed & a goodnight's rest...

after all, no pressure...tomorrow we would be at the capitol meeting with senators and representatives...try to sleep with THAT running through your head.

goodnight. 

heather

keep peddling...

always try again.

do you remember when you were a kid and your parents were teaching you to ride a bike? You'd take off with their hand on the back of seat, guiding you along, until you got the groove, you'd be so thrilled that you're actually going and then...they'd let go and for the first couple times...you'd eventually slow down and the tip over. parents are there when you tip, telling you to get back on the bike, and try again. it wasn't always easy, because you know there could be a chance you might fall again and so many thoughts run through your mind..

will it hurt?

could it be worse?

what if they're not there to catch me?

will i ever be good at this?

as odd as it sounds, i compare myself to the same nervous, scared child with this blog. 

my last post was introducing my readers  okay just like 4 people, about our invitation to washington, dc. for the national conference for NEDA. in my heart, i know this next post needs to be about the trip...and...

as i type, my heart is pounding and my hands are shaking..... and it took my mom texting me asking me if she's missed my latest blog update that i realized...i have to get back in the bike...

guys, i am nervous. i am that child getting back on that bike. 

will this update hurt? yes it will...but i have to remember I'm doing this for my brother. 

could it be worse? there are things in life that can always be worse. i choose to be thankful for this rocky, not so glamours beautiful life He has given me. 

what if they're not there to catch me? i have amazing parents and there are always there, but importantly i have a wonderful God who catches me when i fall emotionally and spiritually. 

will i ever be good at this? ha. I'm not sure but i know that something always brings me back to this. 

for now, that's all i have....just an introduction to how i'm feeling for the upcoming post. 

i'll get back up and try again, i promise...right now...it's too hard. 

love,

heather

*shimmer of light & hope*

HIS plan.

last spring after attending a bible study with my mom and her friends, i started reading not a fan. by kyle idleman. when talking to friends; i like to describe this book as "getting down to the nitty-gritty" theres not maybes or what ifs...he spells it out for you. "Do you follow Jesus or are you just a fan of him?" some of it is tough to digest, but an amazing read and definitely one to keep close by. 

my favorite phrase from the book says this "....followers of Jesus understand that it's a journey they were never to make alone. Instead we keep in step with the Spirit and he supernaturally gives us the strength and the power we need."

it was the day i read that, that i finally truly admitted to myself i needed to be a follower, and not a fan. i was exhausted of doing things on my own. after losing my brother, and reading through his bible, i knew that he had made a wonderful relationship with Jesus...it was comforting to read through the highlighted versus and it was almost like brandon was telling us to not be scared or afraid; he was in a much better place. he was telling me all about his relationship with Jesus through pink & yellow highlighted marks. 

while, i can find comfort in that, there are moments {more than id like to admit} that while he is a place we dream of going, there are many many selfish moments where i wish he were here. however, with that quote in my head; i knew we are not in this alone. no matter how sad. depressed. anxious. happy. we. are. not. alone. God has HIS plan...for all of us. while, we sometimes we choose to be mad for a little bit....

i promise; a day will come when he will shed light & hope. just hang there. 

you're probably wondering where this is going....

fast forward to July 26th - i was at the lake on our annual girls weekend trip. one would think that while it was a "girls weekend", why would i miss brandon this weekend more than any other weekend? 

its because sitting around with these girls who have been my world for years - close family and friends. we share stories of family and things we've done the past year - catching up. while, i love hearing those stories...we don't have those recent stories. there is always a hole in our stories...something missing. sometimes i still can't fathom that he is gone. there are moments when it's like i have forgotten and it suddenly strikes my heart like a flash of lightening. so intense that sometimes; i literally lose my breath. 

i think know God was watching my especially close during these moments of sadness behind smiles while enjoying others stories...

you know how i know? i received a phone call from a New York number. thought nothing of it but they had left a message. long story short, no service  = not checking my voicemail until i arrived back in kansas city. 

"hi, this is for heather, my name is terry and i am chief executive officer at the national eating disorder association. the donation came in from the brandon m jacques foundation and i wanted to reach out to you and have a conversation with you on a number of different levels........"

while this doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of people, it was to me. however, i was sure she was calling to say thank you and chat a few minutes....

i took the opportunity to call because while i knew it was just a short thank you..it was a moment i could talk about brandon and share what a wonderful man he had become with a perfect stranger. id take that moment any day. after all, he deserves such a legacy. 

i was right, that phone call returned to terry was a thank you....but so much more than i could have imagined. 

she wanted to personally call me and extend an invitation to the NEDA Conference Weekend in Washington, DC October 10-12; with an invite to the Federal Lobby Day. paid. covered. 

what? while, it doesn't seem exciting to most; i was beyond thrilled. i get to lobby. stand up for what i believe in. share my brother's story. learn & become educated on eating disorders. at our nation's capital.

i couldn't dream of a better legacy. 

so, with that, my parents & i will be headed to Washington, DC to lobby and take on our adventure. i am excited. nervous. anxious. and all with a heavy heart....

but here's what i am saying...while, we can take what happens in our life and be miserable because we don't like the outcome...we can also just know this is a journey we were never meant to make alone...and just hang on.

i believe this is my shimmer of light & hope in God's master plan for me. there's a reason this is happening. at this time. for this cause. 

i choose to keep walking step in step to find the rest of the light in my journey called life. i am not in control. i must just be a follower down the road. and i am totally okay with that role. 

i promise to update the blog after our trip. 

wish us luck. 

love,

heather