{fix my eyes.}

what is seen is temporary. 

driving this morning i heard one of my favorite christian songs that i've probably 100 times but this morning it felt different, and i turned it up and listened even more closely than normal. 

it's called fix my eyes by king & country. 

you can listen here...fix my eyes by king & country

"Fix My Eyes"

Hit rewind, click delete

Stand face to face with the younger me

All of the mistakes

All of the heartbreak

Here's what I'd do differently, I'd

Love like I'm not scared

Give when it's not fair

Live life for another

Take time for a brother

Fight for the weak ones

Speak out for freedom

Find faith in the battle

Stand tall but above it all

Fix my eyes on You

On You

I learned the lines and talked the talk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows it)

But the road less traveled is hard to walk

(Everybody knows it, everybody knows)

It takes a soldier

Who knows his orders

To walk the walk I'm supposed to walk, and

The things of earth are dimming

In the light of Your glory and grace

I'll set my sights upon Heaven

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes on You, on You

I'm fixing my eyes

-------------------------------------------------------------------

here's what hit home:

we get one chance here on earth to follow in those footsteps, to fix our eyes on him & do good for others.

i found myself reflecting and questioning that a lot. 

life is fast. it is not promised for tomorrow. 

do we get caught up in what seems like the "BIG" stuff? i know i can sometimes...

--OR--

do we sit, see whats in front of ourselves and have no regrets?

the lyrics say it all "but the road less traveled is hard to walk"  - Yes, yes it is. 

but here's the good thing, it's not too late. we have been granted another precious day to do with it what we feel led to do. 

how can you change the world? or maybe just one little moment in the world around you? 

one line touched my heart specifically "live life for another...fight for the weak ones" 

reflecting on personal things happening, this just touched me. 

just another reassurance that while we are continually living in darkness and still trying to figure out our family's normal - we MUST live for another (my brother) who didn't get the opportunity and FIGHT for the weak ones and continue to make good change along the way. 

isn't it just crazy how one song you've heard a million times can take on a whole different meaning on a random, gloomy, cold sunday? 

this morning completely changed my mood:: no matter how easy it would be to give up...

--I WILL ALWAYS BE FIGHTING FOR THE WEAK ONES--

 

we have one beautiful life to live on this earth, what will you choose to do with your days? 

CHANGING > COMPLAINING

thanks for letting me ramble.

happy glorious sunday y'all. 

now crank up that song & change the world!

unknown.

welcome back.

i'm not sure how many of you that know me would believe me if i told you i've taken time from blogging because i just haven't had the words to write anything. my last post was april 2014. almost a year ago. however, i haven't written BUT a lot of things have happened since then. 

may 2014

• finished my 5th year of teaching 
• decided to follow my 4th graders to 5th grade 
• celebrate the future mrs. wollard with her bach party

june 2014

• celebrated what would have been brandon's 24th birthday 
• celebrated a dear friend with bach party in nashville
• put on the 3rd annual brandon m jacques golf tournament
• married off my future SIL

july 2014

• spent time with family
• bugs joined brandon in heaven and we celebrated his short, wonderful life and all the lives he touches in such a short time. 

august 2014

• shared a nice weekend away for my bach party with some girlfriends
• had a wonderful bridal shower and shared some sweet memories with our amazing friends and family 

september 2014

• married my best friend on the most perfect day

october 2014

• turned 29 - YIKES
• celebrated the royals in the world 

november/december 2014

• spent wonderful time with my family for the holidays
• attended my cousins wedding 
• left for our honeymoon dec.27 and spent a week celebrating, lounging, and relaxing with my hubby 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

while we have been busy spending time celebrating, laughing, and moving from one day to another -- sometimes it feels like i am stuck in the same spot and i can see the world moving around me. people's lives moving on, going places, and i just feel stuck. 

it's usually those same times when i have thoughts of brandon, with each passing day, celebrating, holiday, sundays, any day of the week - i can't help but play in my head and ask those questions of "what would he be doing?" "how would he react?" "he would love this" 

the day that rings true to all of those the most though is my wedding day. while many people tried so gentlly and kindly to remind that he was there with me in my heart - sometime's thats not good enough. i wanted to see his awkward smile at the end of the aisle standing next to ryan. i wanted to dance with him at the reception. i wanted him to tell me how beautiful i looked when he saw me in my dress. i wanted to hear him singing on the trolley ride after the ceremony. while, i know he is in my heart always - sometimes  ALWAYS want him here. 

i dont want him in my heart, i want him there. with  me. doing these things. seeing what we see. celebrating what we are seeing. i want to hear his laugh. i miss his sarcastic jokes. ornery chuckles. and his quick witted sense of humor. 

the other day i said "if you think i'm stubborn, strong willed and determined, you must have never met my brother" and followed with a daydream and a smile just remembering all the times he wore those qualities so well. qualities that i never paired with myself but of him. he was always those things. and now, now i get so happy when a little part of him comes out in me. 

he is on my mind always. everyday when i wake up. before i fall asleep. only my lonely days. on my busy days. when i cuddle with tucker. when i visit my parents. when i drive down hwy 69. always. there's not a time, a place, a moment when i don't miss him and just crave to see him, talk to him, or to hear him run up the stairs, two stairs at a time (something i could never do). 

as i type this, my chest feels heavy, my breaths are slow, my eyes burning, and tears fill my eyes. i've just never wanted something bad in my life before than to have him back. 

but i know, i need to keep going. i need to keep fighting. fighting for him. fighting for others. fighting for other sisters out there so they aren't sitting behind a screen with a yearn to see their baby brother just once more time. 

so, while my chest is heavy and my face full of tears: i choose fighting. i choose to be strong. i choose to stand up for what i know is right. i choose to continue being a protective big sister. i choose to help leave his legacy. 

to those who say fighting for what you know is right is easy. have never had to fight before. 

the eve of a nightmare.

some of you may have to check your calendars in the morning to realize is april 2nd - not me.

i can strictly tell tomorrow is april 2nd by the tightness in my chest. the feeling of my chest actually crushing down on my heart, so hard that i can feel my heart beat faster as i begin to type this. my fingers are shaking and my shoulders are tensing up. my eyes have a constant burn that let me know that tears could flood out at any given moment. my head is instantly filled with happy memories to sad memories to the grieving process. each year this feeling gets more and more identifiable.

as of tomorrow evening  - i've had an angel brother for three years.

it makes me literally want to fall to the ground and hit the floor on knees screaming "why?" but i can't. im frozen.

three years later.

i'm still numb & can't bring myself to ask the "why" question anymore. no answer could ever take away this pain. it doesn't matter why to me. it matters that it's the truth. this is my life. this is real.

many times when my thoughts are "jumpy" my brain turns into a pinball - bouncing from scene to scene.

i remember where i was. what i was wearing. who told me. how they said it. and then....i immediately recognize these same feelings i am feeling tonight. shortness of breath. chest caving in. hands shaking...and the urge to fall to the ground.

i've talked a lot about grieving here in my space and with that the famous words "times will heal" - i'm not sure who ever said that, but I'm not sure if they ever actually experienced losing the closest thing to you.

i think something, time makes it worse. we live our daily lives. get up. put our pants on and try to make the best of each moment; for we have a life to live. then there are these moments that shoot through like lightening that make us remember: yes, time has passed. but i'm not healed. our loved one has missed so many memories, experiences, and conversations here on our Earth. {while we selfishly want them here - i do know my Brother is in Heaven with our Jesus; oh what a beautiful blessing!}

but it just makes it worse.

tonight, i wanted to put into writing all the things that have happened that i've had to share without my brother.

Brother: I know each day you watch me from Heaven and are by my side when you need me. However, some of these moments will never be the same because you weren't here to share them with me. Keep sending me you 'angel signs' so I know you're there. Love you. 

1. Easter 2011
2. Moving things of my classroom for me May 2011 - never had to ask twice 
3. Your 21st Birth Day party at mom and dad's house
4.My Master's graduation July 2011 -  this makes me laugh because i just know you would have had something smart to say about my accomplishments and my ridiculous cap and gown. all the while, you would have been first in line to take your picture with me :)
5. Moving my things back into my classroom August 2011
6. Our Housewarming party October 2011
7. My 26th Birthday
8. Thanksgiving 2011 - the first "real" holiday with you. things were just "quieter" - nothing has been the same since. 
9. Winter Break and Christmas 2011. No gingerbread houses. We had to beg mom to put up a Christmas tree. I cried Christmas morning without. I had to pass out the gifts all by myself. 
10. Bringing in a New Year - 2012. The year before: Mom, Dad, you, Ryan and I all played games in the basement at home. We missed you. 
11. Valentine's Day 2012 - We always had the best time picking out the cards in the aisles at Walmart. You were really good at it. 
12. Year 1 of you being gone. This day has become a new day for mom, dad and i. we spend the day with each other usually in silence but i know that we are all thinking of the wonderful memories we have with you. 
13. Easter 2012
14. The end of another school year. 
15. Your 22nd Birthday
16. A trip to Colorado. You loved the mountains and swinging from the trees. 
*A golf tournament held in your memory - so many people that loved and cared for you. I love hearing the stories about how you had a positive impact on so many other people. 
17. The Beginning of a new school year -  i just know how much you loved moving that stuff in and out for me. :)
18. My 27th Birthday
19. Thanksgiving 2012
20. Winter Break and Christmas 2012
21. Another new year 2013. 
22. Picking out Vday Cards 2013, Mother's Day and Fathers Day 2013
23. Easter 2013 - Always seems to be the hardest. 
24. 2 years without you. I tried going to work but couldn't necessarily function. I left early and went straight to Mom and Dads. 
25. Eating Disorder Advocacy Day in Jeff City - trying to change the ways for you!
*We handed out 2 scholarships in your name. 
26. Your 23rd Birthday
*Another successful golf tournament in your memory!
27. We had a trip to Washington DC for the NEDA national convention - totally not your thing; but we did it for you!
28. Ryan and I got engaged! I remember one of our conversations about Ryan when we started dating and I will forever treasure it. Thank you for your blessing before I even knew. 
29. Thanksgiving 2013
30. Winter Break and Christmas 2013
31. bringing in a new year 2014. 
32. wedding planning. picking out tuxes. 
33. Baby Karson is in the hospital. I know you're keeping a close eye on him from Heaven. 
while, these are the big things that immediately came to mind, i know there are daily events you would have been there for. usually a smart joke through text message with dry sense of humor - or sharing our writing advice. we were so much alike and completely opposite all at the same time. 

sometimes i wonder how i am still standing. how i get up and push through each day. then i remember, we shared the same strength. equally strong. bull headed - and i know you'd have it no other way.

Easter Morning - so serious. 

May 2009 - Your High School Graduation Party

Summer 2009 - Mom & Dad took us in the RV to South Dakota. While we complained, we love every minute of it. {besides no cell phone service.}

i cherish these moments forever. these memories are the stitch that hold me together.

here's to dreading every minute of tomorrow...

goodnight.

strong.

strong & broken. 

i'm not ready to share yet, but several life events have seemed to happen all in the same couple weeks. some good, some stressful, some happy, some hard, some unplanned, some planned. i know this is all part of a greater plan and while i know that, days are just hard. plain and simple. 

often times, when i can't find the words or don't want to put my troubles on someone else's shoulders - i lean to quotes. pinterest. magazines. songs. 

so here are a few quotes that i am connecting with right now. 

if you're a prayer person: i would appreciate some of those this week.

thanks for listening,

h

seasons of grieving.

if i would write a book...

this post may come off as ridiculous, out of the blue, or "dark"; but for those who have experienced grief, i only hope that maybe; just a little part of you...can relate. 

as the seasons change, many people are getting amped up for spring. for them, spring means sunshine, outdoor activities, more time with friends & just an upbeat attitude. 

truth be told, spring has a whole new meaning to me. to me, spring means another anniversary of losing my brother is getting closer and each year it brings more and more anxiety. it means, i refresh and replay memories of joy and pain as the season gets closer. 

for me, spring is the most painful season. 

throughout the grieving process, i've found myself reflective and have spent a lot of time just wanting answers. while, i know God is the only one who really knows....as the type A personality i am; wouldn't it be nice to open up a book and read how you're going to feel, when it's going to start, what might trigger different emotions?

i've talked before about a book i read as an "early griever" and it made me angry. the things i was feeling at that moment, weren't listed in the book. this made me think many things, "are my feelings weird/different?, why am i not grieving like it says i should?, should i feel bad? ......." the list could go on. 

so as spring approaches and i begin to feel so many emotions; i bring to you today:

names of chapters that should be included in a book for grievers. 

first things first; the title. 

i have a  couple options:

• rollercoasters: an unpredictable ride.
• life sucks
• a new "normal"

now for the chapters/subjects that i feel should be included:

• you just lost someone & shouldn't be reading this because in a few weeks you won't remember jack
• no, it won't go away
• no, a book doesn't know your feelings
• no, people don't "know how you feel."
• don't feel guilty for each morning you wake up 
• anxiety leading up to "firsts": first birthdays, first holidays, first family vacation, first baby, FIRSTS FIRSTS FIRSTS
• everyone grieves at their own paces
• everyone grieves in their our way
• no, it will never be the same
• but you will create your new normal
• a new meaning of the literal meaning :heart ache.
• yes, it's okay to cry---at everything or at nothing
• it's okay to be mad
• it's a never-ending process

these are just a few off the top of my head, that i wish so badly would have been at my fingertips those first few weeks and months when "i thought i was ready to heal."

newsflash: you're never ready. 

so with that, thats what i think about grieving. 

i've been grieving {for almost 3 years.}

i'm still grieving

i'll always be grieving...

because after all, a person, my baby brother & my parent's only son was taken from us. 

it's okay if i never forget. it's okay if i never stop crying when i speak of him. it's okay if still pick up the phone to try to call him. it's okay if i think about the day that i will tell our children of their amazing uncle they will never know. it's okay if we still hang 4 stockings. and last but not least, 

 it's okay if some days--i just don't feel "okay."

this is my process. and only my process. 

thanks for listening,

love,

h

witnessing a legacy.

thank you o.y.o. 

i promise, to me these titles make complete and honest since in this crazy, fast spinning head of mine. tonight, there are a lot of mixed and crazy emotions. i've been telling myself i've wanted to write this blog for a week now...and have procrastinated; partly because it's scary. but, i got a text message from a dear new friend of mine saying she had stopped by to see brandon and knew it was a sign. go ahead. be brave & write. 

disclaimer: i can't promise anything below is going to make great sense. i am here to strictly get these thoughts and feelings off my chest. 

it was several months after my brother passed that i picked up a book that from the cover looked like it had all the answers to the grieving process. there are seven steps it told me. tips on when and handle each one. but as we approach 3 years, i begin to believe more and more that book was full of it. 

ive learned a lot in this process and i have definitely learned that each person grieves, remembers, reflects in their own personal way. that is comfortable for them.  sure, i'd love to have quick 7 easy steps to follow....but it's not that simple. 

there are good days. bad days..and days you feel extra connected. and days where you feel like you are the only one. the days i feel like i am alone, i hear myself asking the same question "am i doing this alone? am i grieving alone? do people remember?" and you know...i was reminded several weeks ago, that while we may feel alone, YES people remember. and boy, knowing that is one of the sweetest most meaningful reminders of what a wonderful legacy you're loved one has left. 

let me share this amazing moment with you and the people responsible for helping me heal in this awful, dreadful and scary process. 

a few months ago, i got an email from a friend of brandon's and our mutual family friend wanting a few of his pictures. as requested, i sent them on and had thought nothing of it. 

until last week, when we were told that this family friend had dedicated his third episode of season one to my brother. just typing this literally warms my heart. 

our friend, host and producer of Over Yonder Outdoors, Austin Thomas had graciously done this and with such a natural vision. 

the words spoke in the first part of the episode were " when we begin this journey two years ago, a tragedy struck when one of our good friends and a family member to one of the guys on our crew had passed away. we were really close with him and when we started me, drake and taylor all agreed that we knew if he were still alive that he would be helping us produce this show so going into season one  we always knew we wanted to dedicate an episode to him"  

those words brought tears, yes, but so much happiness to me because i was watching someone else remember and grieve the loss of brandon. they remembered. they miss him too. and i'm not alone in this. 

while, those are just a mere seconds of the whole episode, those words spoken of brandon will always be close to my heart and will cherish them. 

so, that brings me to my subtitle. thank you oyo: thank you for allowing my brother to be apart of something so special. thank you for providing me a little piece of comfort in my darkest days. thank you for leave such a wonderful legacy. and thank you for being some of the greatest friends my brother had here on earth. you'll never fully understand how thankful and blessed i feel because of that small token of remembrance. thank you. 

You can watch by clicking the link below:

OYO Episode 3

You can become a part of this wonderful OYO family but watching Sunday nights at 5pm on the Sportsman Channel. These are young guys, doing what they love, and following their dreams. 

while, austin and his crew film outdoor hunting adventures, i am so excited that austin has agreed to film our wedding in september...while i know brandon may not physically be there with us on that day, austin and his crew will be just another reminder that brandon is there. so thankful for our friendship. brandon was sure blessed with some amazing friends. 

the jacques do DC - part two

continued.

i told myself i would wrap up all my lose ends on the blog before 2014. so here goes...

waking up the morning knowing you're about to step foot into the nation's capitol and ask them to support you...just a little ol' me from the midwest is almost the most intimating thing i've done. but through out the whole process, i try to put things in some sort of perspective that makes some sort of sense. just something.

that morning, while we got dressed and ready to go, i could definitely feel my heart beat a little fast than normal and little butterflies surrounded my insides while crazy thoughts ran through my head. 

i remember just telling myself to be honest, sincere, and just share our story. for those that know me, know that is often times hard for to speak about things especially when I'm not 100% positive that i actually know that I'm saying. so this was tough. what we would be talking about would be personal and important and directly effect my parents and i. 

we met the rest of the members who would be lobbying on the lobby of our hotel room. we immediately ran into a mother and friend who we had met in june at the neda kc walk. always nice to see familiar faces in such an unfamiliar place. 

i laugh now because as we stood in the lobby of our hotel, we watched outside as it poured. hard. our first appointment was at 11:30 and we'd have enough time to catch a bus. of course it would be raining.

we caught a bus alright. and they dropped us off at the wrong building which meant in order for my parents and i to make our 11:30...we had to walk. in the pouring rain. without umbrellas. or coats. 

.and we did. we persevered. for brandon. 

as we walked a good half mile, i remember looking over at my dad walking besides and he was soaking wet..so wet in fact there were rain drops dripping off the end of his nose. i like to imagine brandon sitting in heaven watching us three gallivanting around an unknown city to lobby for HIM while he watches it rain and pour on his. i'm sure he had a nice laugh.

we finally made it to our first appointment 30 minutes late and of course, their office happened to be participating in the government shutdown occurring at the same time so no one was in their office anyways. typical. 

we met with our other two appointments and i couldnt have been more excited about how they turned out. we got two agreements for our support on the caucus and bill coming and they were so sincere and friendly. 

in one of our meetings, my dad just started talking and everyone just looked. at that moment, i was so proud of us three and the work we were doing. 

it was that moment i realized my parents & i have two choices to continue living in our lives. we can sit, sulk and pity ourselves for the tremendous loss we have endured OR we can choose to change it, leave brandon's name as a legacy and help others. 

while changing it hasn't been the easiest road, it certainly is the most rewarding. 

thursday evening, we had a reception with other families and friends affected by eating disorders. it was a wonderful experience to be with others who had lived the same or close experience we had. 

on friday, we spent the day in seminars and learning more than i could have ever imagined about eating disorders. 

i feel so blessed that we had the opportunity to be apart of the conference and will hold on to the experience for years to come. i am curious to learn more and network with others....i think my career path may somewhere along the road..lead me back. 

for now, we embrace what we have learned, fill our hearts with the change for others, and walk each step of the journey for brandon. always. 

{i encourage you to be passionate. about anything. and pursue it.}

you have the power to change. 

the jacques' do DC - part one

details.

you know that saying...you never notice things until they're not there? that is so true. 

you know how i know?

i can count on one hand how many times my family has gone out to eat and when asked how many...we say 3. 

i can't tell you how many times we've actually eaten at the kitchen table in the last 2.5 years because no one wants to see the empty chair. 

i can't explain the pain it felt to get a new phone and be missing brother from my favorites. 

the list goes on, christmas, birthdays, riding in a car....four is just a much better number. 

i knew all these things were going on...until our trip to washington, dc. you see...i have been fortunate enough to have ryan in life before losing my brother and since losing my brother, my ryan has coincidently filled that very important fourth spot: dinner table, restaurants, back seat of the car. 

until washington, dc. no ryan wasn't going. just me. my mom. my dad. 

for weeks until the trip, i was fine...it was until the very day we were leaving and my parents were picking me up from work, that i had a lump in my heart and heaviness in my heart. this was just one more DETAIL & REMINDER of why were leaving on "vacation". 

sitting in the back of my dad's truck on the way to airport is when reality hit. 

heather- this isn't vacation. you are going to washington, dc because you've been raising money for the eating disorder association so no one has to suffer your pain or your brandon's pain when dealing with a life threatening illness. 

reality can be a real B. 

with that said, i was excited to spend this quality time with my parents for this purpose. it had been a while since the three of us had spent time together just being us. life gets busy and i am thankful we were granted this opportunity on so many levels; making a change...amazing; sharing the experience with my parents...even better! :)

 it was really late when we arrived in washington. our first adventure started with a taxi ride to our first hotel. it was crazy, weaving in and out of traffic with us three in the back seat...kind of like when you're a kid and you purposely let the curves through you around the back seat to smash the other person....yep..that happened...

we arrive at our first hotel (i won't mention names...read on)....it was beautiful..right down the street with an amazing view of our nation's capitol...we arrive to our room. and my dad quote "this place is made for midgets" between that and our slap-happiness from being awake for.  ev.   er. we laughed until our stomachs hurt...

before we knew it we were outside, walking the streets of washington, dc. with our luggage (thank GOD for luggage that rolls nicely) on to our next stop..

finally, a warm bed & a goodnight's rest...

after all, no pressure...tomorrow we would be at the capitol meeting with senators and representatives...try to sleep with THAT running through your head.

goodnight. 

heather

keep peddling...

always try again.

do you remember when you were a kid and your parents were teaching you to ride a bike? You'd take off with their hand on the back of seat, guiding you along, until you got the groove, you'd be so thrilled that you're actually going and then...they'd let go and for the first couple times...you'd eventually slow down and the tip over. parents are there when you tip, telling you to get back on the bike, and try again. it wasn't always easy, because you know there could be a chance you might fall again and so many thoughts run through your mind..

will it hurt?

could it be worse?

what if they're not there to catch me?

will i ever be good at this?

as odd as it sounds, i compare myself to the same nervous, scared child with this blog. 

my last post was introducing my readers  okay just like 4 people, about our invitation to washington, dc. for the national conference for NEDA. in my heart, i know this next post needs to be about the trip...and...

as i type, my heart is pounding and my hands are shaking..... and it took my mom texting me asking me if she's missed my latest blog update that i realized...i have to get back in the bike...

guys, i am nervous. i am that child getting back on that bike. 

will this update hurt? yes it will...but i have to remember I'm doing this for my brother. 

could it be worse? there are things in life that can always be worse. i choose to be thankful for this rocky, not so glamours beautiful life He has given me. 

what if they're not there to catch me? i have amazing parents and there are always there, but importantly i have a wonderful God who catches me when i fall emotionally and spiritually. 

will i ever be good at this? ha. I'm not sure but i know that something always brings me back to this. 

for now, that's all i have....just an introduction to how i'm feeling for the upcoming post. 

i'll get back up and try again, i promise...right now...it's too hard. 

love,

heather

*shimmer of light & hope*

HIS plan.

last spring after attending a bible study with my mom and her friends, i started reading not a fan. by kyle idleman. when talking to friends; i like to describe this book as "getting down to the nitty-gritty" theres not maybes or what ifs...he spells it out for you. "Do you follow Jesus or are you just a fan of him?" some of it is tough to digest, but an amazing read and definitely one to keep close by. 

my favorite phrase from the book says this "....followers of Jesus understand that it's a journey they were never to make alone. Instead we keep in step with the Spirit and he supernaturally gives us the strength and the power we need."

it was the day i read that, that i finally truly admitted to myself i needed to be a follower, and not a fan. i was exhausted of doing things on my own. after losing my brother, and reading through his bible, i knew that he had made a wonderful relationship with Jesus...it was comforting to read through the highlighted versus and it was almost like brandon was telling us to not be scared or afraid; he was in a much better place. he was telling me all about his relationship with Jesus through pink & yellow highlighted marks. 

while, i can find comfort in that, there are moments {more than id like to admit} that while he is a place we dream of going, there are many many selfish moments where i wish he were here. however, with that quote in my head; i knew we are not in this alone. no matter how sad. depressed. anxious. happy. we. are. not. alone. God has HIS plan...for all of us. while, we sometimes we choose to be mad for a little bit....

i promise; a day will come when he will shed light & hope. just hang there. 

you're probably wondering where this is going....

fast forward to July 26th - i was at the lake on our annual girls weekend trip. one would think that while it was a "girls weekend", why would i miss brandon this weekend more than any other weekend? 

its because sitting around with these girls who have been my world for years - close family and friends. we share stories of family and things we've done the past year - catching up. while, i love hearing those stories...we don't have those recent stories. there is always a hole in our stories...something missing. sometimes i still can't fathom that he is gone. there are moments when it's like i have forgotten and it suddenly strikes my heart like a flash of lightening. so intense that sometimes; i literally lose my breath. 

i think know God was watching my especially close during these moments of sadness behind smiles while enjoying others stories...

you know how i know? i received a phone call from a New York number. thought nothing of it but they had left a message. long story short, no service  = not checking my voicemail until i arrived back in kansas city. 

"hi, this is for heather, my name is terry and i am chief executive officer at the national eating disorder association. the donation came in from the brandon m jacques foundation and i wanted to reach out to you and have a conversation with you on a number of different levels........"

while this doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of people, it was to me. however, i was sure she was calling to say thank you and chat a few minutes....

i took the opportunity to call because while i knew it was just a short thank you..it was a moment i could talk about brandon and share what a wonderful man he had become with a perfect stranger. id take that moment any day. after all, he deserves such a legacy. 

i was right, that phone call returned to terry was a thank you....but so much more than i could have imagined. 

she wanted to personally call me and extend an invitation to the NEDA Conference Weekend in Washington, DC October 10-12; with an invite to the Federal Lobby Day. paid. covered. 

what? while, it doesn't seem exciting to most; i was beyond thrilled. i get to lobby. stand up for what i believe in. share my brother's story. learn & become educated on eating disorders. at our nation's capital.

i couldn't dream of a better legacy. 

so, with that, my parents & i will be headed to Washington, DC to lobby and take on our adventure. i am excited. nervous. anxious. and all with a heavy heart....

but here's what i am saying...while, we can take what happens in our life and be miserable because we don't like the outcome...we can also just know this is a journey we were never meant to make alone...and just hang on.

i believe this is my shimmer of light & hope in God's master plan for me. there's a reason this is happening. at this time. for this cause. 

i choose to keep walking step in step to find the rest of the light in my journey called life. i am not in control. i must just be a follower down the road. and i am totally okay with that role. 

i promise to update the blog after our trip. 

wish us luck. 

love,

heather

summer faves.

share time.

with the end of summer quickly approaching...waaa! i found it most appropriate to share some of my favorite things this summer. i love all of these items, so they are listed in no particular order.

1. Advocare Products

I started using Advocare products on a daily basis and have loved all that I have tried. I won't ever give up coffee 100% but i have surely cut down my intake by leaps and bounds. The spark is a great product for energy without the jitter or crashing effect. I started using Catalyst which helps maintain muscle during exercise and weight loss. It goes great with the Spark. I love spark in the Watermelon, Citrus, and Mandarin Orange flavors. Yummmmmyyy and healthy! If you're interested in trying some too, visit my site. https://www.advocare.com/130723839/default.aspx

2. Ulta Bronze Tinted Self Tanning Suncreeen SPF 15

This product has been amazing. It has an SPF 15 and a tint so it can be applied daily or when you're ready for fun in the sun. It is reasonably priced and right now they are running a special BOGO 50% off. I highly recommend this product. However, if you're using it just for the tint...you could be disappointed. It didnt tint as well as I had thought. But I loved the sunscreen part and the fresh fragrance of this product.

3. ESSIE White Bright Pen

Using this pen on dry and clean nails, it brightens up your natural nail look. In just seconds, my nails had immediate shine and brightness to them for the summer natural look. I got mine at Beauty Brands on clearance for $4.50. Quick and Easy must have for a natural manicured look. 

4. Altar'd State at Zona Rosa

This store is amazing. It is what I would call a Christian Boutique filled with almost anything you could think of. Candles, Signs, Jewelry , Clothing, TOMS, absolutely anything. Their prices are very reasonable and their products are amazing. It is a perfect store to find the perfect gift for ANYONE. 

5. Loafers

I can't wait to wear my new loafers this fall. I found mine at Nordstrom Rack for an amazing price and they are definitely something that will stand out amongst the rest. I have my eye on a few other cute pairs from Target & Dillards as well. Best of all, they are so comfortable and sophisticated.

6. Mayeblline Baby Lips

This is the softest product I have found. It is light and shiny! It comes in many different colors and they are all fabulous. 

I know this isn't the most exciting post, but I love sharing great product for great deals. What are some of your favorite things this summer?

never.say.never.

[new adventure.]

i have never been the healthiest person. i won't deny that i don't love hot wings, french fries, and chips and salsa...but it was a day at the end of 2012 where i was exhausted, unmotivated, and just tired all the time. 

yes, diet is important. but i am 27 wishing i was still 24 and shouldn't be drained all the time...shoot, i don't even have kids yet!

i remember a good friend and coworker a couple years ago suggesting i try a product by Advocare called Spark. she said she was able to replace Spark for her daily sodas and it was just what she needed to get through the long days of teaching and also provides healthy vitamins and minerals. 

i never tried it. the sample sat around. 

fast forward to Jan 2013...i had committed myself to a healthier lifestyle. i don't want need to be skinny. i want to be healthy and thats all that mattered. 

i committed myself to hitting the gym 3-4 times a week and watching what i was putting in my body. this included sodas and coffee. in march, i decided i would drop it cold turkey. 

my body his a stage of detox with terrible headaches and it was then, that i realize just what all this fake caffeine was doing to my body.

i called my good friend and ordered a canister of Spark. Spark has replaced my daily sodas and though, i will never give up coffee for good...i can say that i don't drink it everyday...it is more of a treat and i drink smaller portions when i do. 

i have seen a change in my energy and focus levels. i am not drowsy or exhausted. i have the energy i craved to enjoy this beautiful life i've been given.

..which leads me to my next part...after much thought, i decided i wanted to share my love for these Advocare products with others...

last wednesday, we started a new journey. we have officially become Advocare distributors; in hopes, that we can share these wonderful products with others. 

{cheers to new, healthy, and energetic journeys!}

join us!

check out the products and stories here.

https://www.advocare.com/130723839

email me, call, or Facebook if you'd like to try samples of the Spark {in delicious Mango Strawberry} or SLAM. 

{no more m.i.a}

updates...

the thing i absolutely love most about summer  July is that i get to spend everyday the way that i want. no worries about whether today is sunday or thursday or if i need to work the next day. i simply go with the flow and take full advantage of each day ive been given. its crazy but you dont realize how much time is spent planning, doing, going, and being so busy during the school year that you forget to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. 

so my simple pleasure today...updating my blog. 

because, i dont care there is laundry piled in our closet or there's no groceries...because i have all the time in the world {for july} and i can get to whenever i please. aaahhhh....

its relaxing and comfortable. 

{may}

may was a great month. i finished up wrapping up my 4th year of teaching. one of my friend's introduced their sweet baby boy beckham into the world  on may 23rd and summer was just around the corner. 

{june}

june was crazy busy and i loved every moment of it. 

i started teaching 1st grade summer school. {praise you teachers of the true elementary age. you are truly saints. i was lucky to make it a mere 20 days and i don't know how you do it, but god bless you.}

much of early june was planning final touches for our 2nd annual golf tournament. 

june 12, my dear friend jeni and her husband brandon, welcomed a sweet baby girl named Zoey into this world. 

june 15 in general was a busy day. 

NEDA just so happened to be sponsoring a walk in here KC, and it being my brother's birthday...we truly felt like it was meant to be. it was an amazing and humbling experience being out there with our family and so many other people that have had their lives affected by eating disorders. there were so many emotions that day. excitement, sadness, motivation, worry, fear...it was just a really neat day. 

on brandon's 21st birthday {june 15, 2011} just a few months after he went to be with Jesus, my family and i started the tradition of releasing 4 balloons on his birthday. 3 white and 1 blue. there is something calming and heart wrenching about this tradition, but i love it and will never stop doing it. this year, we released our balloons at the walk site instead at my parent's house. 

after the NEDA walk, ryan and i made the trip to the lake for his family reunion. it was wonderful to get away just for a day. 

june 20 - my teammate of 4 years and close friend caitlin and her husband joe welcomed a handsome baby boy into their world. Calvin is already a ladies man. 

june 22 was our 2nd annual Brandon Jacques Classic. we had a new venue this year and everything turned out fabulous. we had 135 golfers and were surrounded by family and friends who not only love us, but love Brandon too. we are so grateful for each of those people. we look forward to another great event next year. 

{the tournament deserves a post of it's own with pictures..coming soon}

it's not much and it's not exciting to everyone, but thats what i've been doing the last month or so...now that i have a little bit of down time...im hoping to stay caught up a little more. 

what is your favorite thing about summer time?

love,

h

closing of another chapter...

for a teacher that is.

those of you not familiar with the life of a teacher, you might be thinking...

you only have 7 days left of school, then summer. life for a teacher is so easy. you work for 9 months, get the summer off. you get all the holidays and breaks.

riddle me this...

Do you others out there after nine months of working 8 hours in the same room with someone just have to shut the door and move on? Do you take pride of other peoples success so much that sometimes your heart literally hurts? Do you hurt when YOUR coworkers hurt? Do you cry when YOUR coworkers cry?

For teachers...our coworkers..are our students my children. We spend 9 months, 8 hours a day, in one room within inches of each other. We spend more time together than we do our own families...

Now, do not get me wrong...I am not down playing any profession out there. I am simply saying that as teachers we make room in our hearts for 20 something little souls that we nourish with knowledge and work hard everyday to inspire, motivate, and educate. I dont know about you, but thats a lot of pressure...

Here's what I do know...

this is my favorite time of the year. I have these little minds that have done SO much and never cease to amaze day in and day out. I see so much maturity and learning in them and it gives me so much joy to know that I had a part in that. Bad days? Yes, everyone has them. But the good days...they always outweigh the bad.

I have to share this story with you...

Last week, my class and I were talking about poetry. We had been using the Close Reading steps to analyze the poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. While opening our room to another school and teachers observing, I was simply having a conversation with a young boy about his thinking. His thinking was so incredibly deep and elaborate...that right there...sitting on the floor..with other adults watching in...i cried. i literally sat there on the floor and cried in front of him... for that was the BEST thinking he had ever shared. he did it. he got it and made my heart so happy i couldnt contain the tears.

that is was teaching is all about.

so here you have it. 7 6.5 days left and i am going to use them to the fullest potential. i am going to hug on everyone of my kids. share secrets with them. laugh with them. let them work with others. and spend as much time as i can with them. For they are my fourth class that I have raised and I will send them on to fifth grade knowing I did everything in my power to make them great. and then...I will cry. The last day of school will come, I will walk them to their busses and I will cry as they wave goodbye.

I am blessed that I have been able to build incredible relationships with my students in all my years teaching and I love and will miss each and everyone of them in their own little ways.

so here's to making the most of these last few days...it's not over yet.

Make the most of everything you've got...

fair vs just

life's lessons.

it is truly amazing that on the shady side of my 20s; i continue to learn a life lesson each day. some, much bigger than others.

lately, i have feeling {blah}. the weather here has been ridiculous, spring has still not arrived, so many changes are happening around me, and well if i want to be real with myself...since 2011 this time of year just seems harder than others.

i think back to May 1st of 2011...and i was feeling so much numbness. i was getting ready to embark on the one month date of losing my brother. honestly, i wish i could go back to that. i was still so naive is the grieving point, that it seemed much easier. i spend so much time of each day just thinking about my brother and all the things we did. some days, yes better than others. and other days are just plain crappy.

tonight, i went to my parents for our first golf meeting for our upcoming tournament. it was truly amazing the joy that planning this tournament brings to me. it is me...talking about doing things in my brothers name..perfect and honorably. i feel so proud. to think of it, i think its my way of continuing my role of that older, protective, stubborn sister.

but it seems like on that crappy days, i think that sometimes life isnt fair. i think we can all agree that at some point or another we have all thought "my life just isn't fair"

....and you know what? it's not. and God isn't fair either.

driving home tonight, i heard the best explanation of fairness.

"life just isn't fair..."

Fair means accordance with rules or standards. Would you really want God to treat you according to your sins? He is a JUST God. A God who will reward us based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair...He will not treat us towards our sins because He is just. Not fair, but just. If He sees we are trying to fight it, He will plan accordingly. If we so happen to fall and get tangled into it, we must remember to repent. God is just.  

So, in fact God is Just which is more than fair. His grace is far beyond anything we could deserve. God is generous, full of grade, full of mercy, loving us even though we don't deserve it. 

this gave me a great reminder that although sometimes i can feel like life is not fair...i must remember that God is JUST and although fair sounds great...
             i'd take JUST over fair any day.

happy wednesday.

brother.

always my baby broth. 

i can remember the day my parents told me i was going to be a big sister so vividly. we were in our kitchen at our old house. fabric chairs on wheels, yes it was 1989. it was a sunday morning and my parents were at the kitchen table. with the sunlight shining through our pink/mauve blinds i remember my mom looking at me and telling me those sweet words "you're going to be a big sister". i remember looking at my moms stomach in her white and green diamond pajama shirt and wondering "theres no baby" while saying words of pure UN.excitement.


what do you mean? im going to have to share my two favorite people in the world with someone else? absolutely not. no way. they were clearly out of their mind.

little did i know that several months down the road i would have a complete change of heart. after all, i was meant to be a big sister. from the moment he was born, i was in love. there was nothing that would ever separate the two of us. no one was going to hurt him. i felt like i was his protector. i mean, before my brother was born i was sleeping night after night with my parents. when Brandon came home, i moved my sleeping arrangements to my own bedroom upstairs, next to his. just in case he would need me.

now, i wont play fake and tell you that we never fought, argued, or tried to get one another in trouble. because yes, that did happen. but with us it was different, our fights were over in a matter of minutes and we'd be back to doing what we were doing. Brandon was the first person in my life to push me. To challenge me. To argue with me. i honestly credit some of my confidence to my baby broth.

i could write for days on our relationship growing up. i could tell you story after story. everything from getting in trouble at school to a first kiss. i could tell you that he had a heart of gold with an armor exterior. i could tell you that he loved his family and friends more than life itself. i could also tell you that he called me sister. not just as relation, but as we got older my name went out the window and sister was just who i was to him.

here's a look on my favorite relationship with the most perfect baby broth anyone could have asked for.

love at first site. June 15, 1990

 

Broth,
   As tomorrow approaches I can't help but remember when I found out what had happened. I was in shock and my hurt was full of pain. I won't forget that day. I also won't forget all the memories we had shared in your 20 beautiful years of life. I am so thankful that you let me always be your big sister. I am thankful that you never pushed me away or were too cool. I wish we could spend more time together and we will, someday. But for now, I think about you always, miss you like crazy, and want to leave your legacy. You are the best brother anyone could have asked for and as tears are running down my face, my heart literally aches and I would do anything just to see you one more time. I love you more than you'll ever know. See you later,

                                                                                 Love, Sister